Friday, November 25, 2005

Desert Places

Desert Places
by: Robert Frost

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it--it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars--on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.

From A Further Range, 1936

Thanks to Bookworld for sending me to read this poem. I think it speaks to how I feel today. Frost, of course, said it so much better than I could ever say it.

After having had a very nice Thanksgiving day with family and night with my sister Susy at the casino, I spent last night in a hotel, alone of course, and woke up this morning with the realization that this is where I will wake up on Christmas morning. Now, I’m no longer looking forward to Christmas.

Yesterday, I enjoyed the theater of the filling out of wish lists and the drawing of names for gifts in my large family. I was excited about buying some things for my niece Barbara, whose name I drew. Then I woke up this morning and felt completely alone. The thought of waking in this desert place on Christmas morning with no sign of Christmas just makes me want to cry.

I feel like I have been unhappy for the last two or three years. Feelings of happiness visit on occasion, but they never move in and stay for long at all. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I am tired of being unhappy and that I must figure out a way not to be. So here are my options for Christmas morning: 1) go on a vacation trip that I really can’t afford but will take my mind off being lonely, maybe; 2) wake up at home alone at Christmas where I will at least see the accoutrements of the holiday then drive to J'ville for the exchanging of gifts and the eating of way too much food; 3) get very drunk on eggnog on Christmas Eve and sleep through Christmas day. I’m sure someone can add to my options. Any or all suggestions will be considered.

2 comments:

SassyFemme said...

Hoping that in the coming months you find what you need to make you happy.

Penny said...

Come visit me : ) I know you had thought about later in the spring . . . what about earlier? You could taste the cold clean air, snuggle in radiated warmth--no forced air heat here!--drink yummy egg nog and sit up too late talking about nothing and everything; drink something more--wine perhaps, and eat plenty of chocolate--and go outside to shiver once in a while, or maybe just look out at the cold, that's what I'm best at : ) Of course, make Christmas cookies and listen to sappy music . . . until you can't stand it and have to just sit quietly or read a book or watch a movie or . . .
Well, it's an open invitation, though I expect you'll want your family more, and I do understand, of course. This year, we're planning to be home Christmas Day and probably the day or two afterward as well. Whatever your plans end up being, I will definitely be thinking of you and still missing you.