Friday, November 25, 2005

Desert Places

Desert Places
by: Robert Frost

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it--it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars--on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.

From A Further Range, 1936

Thanks to Bookworld for sending me to read this poem. I think it speaks to how I feel today. Frost, of course, said it so much better than I could ever say it.

After having had a very nice Thanksgiving day with family and night with my sister Susy at the casino, I spent last night in a hotel, alone of course, and woke up this morning with the realization that this is where I will wake up on Christmas morning. Now, I’m no longer looking forward to Christmas.

Yesterday, I enjoyed the theater of the filling out of wish lists and the drawing of names for gifts in my large family. I was excited about buying some things for my niece Barbara, whose name I drew. Then I woke up this morning and felt completely alone. The thought of waking in this desert place on Christmas morning with no sign of Christmas just makes me want to cry.

I feel like I have been unhappy for the last two or three years. Feelings of happiness visit on occasion, but they never move in and stay for long at all. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I am tired of being unhappy and that I must figure out a way not to be. So here are my options for Christmas morning: 1) go on a vacation trip that I really can’t afford but will take my mind off being lonely, maybe; 2) wake up at home alone at Christmas where I will at least see the accoutrements of the holiday then drive to J'ville for the exchanging of gifts and the eating of way too much food; 3) get very drunk on eggnog on Christmas Eve and sleep through Christmas day. I’m sure someone can add to my options. Any or all suggestions will be considered.


SassyFemme said...

Hoping that in the coming months you find what you need to make you happy.

Penny said...

Come visit me : ) I know you had thought about later in the spring . . . what about earlier? You could taste the cold clean air, snuggle in radiated warmth--no forced air heat here!--drink yummy egg nog and sit up too late talking about nothing and everything; drink something more--wine perhaps, and eat plenty of chocolate--and go outside to shiver once in a while, or maybe just look out at the cold, that's what I'm best at : ) Of course, make Christmas cookies and listen to sappy music . . . until you can't stand it and have to just sit quietly or read a book or watch a movie or . . .
Well, it's an open invitation, though I expect you'll want your family more, and I do understand, of course. This year, we're planning to be home Christmas Day and probably the day or two afterward as well. Whatever your plans end up being, I will definitely be thinking of you and still missing you.