Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Summer Vacation Begins

Today is the first real day of my summer vacation. On Saturday, I had to travel to Jacksonville, a small town in East Texas, to celebrate my niece's graduation from high school. I really wasn't in the mood for a celebration, so it wasn't like the beginning of summer at all. Yesterday, during the drive home, I was angry with myself for being so pessimistic of late (losing out on the Academic Associate job really has me down); maybe I've been that pessimistic for the whole school year. I used to be more of an optimist, but I can hardly even muster enthusiasm for any thing of late. However, I am quietly excited about the fiction writing workshop that I will start on Monday.

I truly hate the thought of teaching for another year (I feel pretty desperate about it and that scares me), but I must admit that I haven't done much to prevent that from happening. So I have to work this summer to get myself in a position to have some choices next year. I have decided that I can get up every morning and go for a walk at 7:00a.m. (yes, I know it's summer, but any later will be too hot), then come back shower and work on my master's thesis for at least an hour. How embarrassing to have still not finished this after all these years!--yes, too many years to admit. I haven't talked about working on this because in the past all I have done is talk. IF I can acquire these two habits, I think my summer will be both enjoyable and productive. Of course, I will also be reading as much as possible. I have, as usual, a huge stack of "To Read" books. I just finished Margaret Atwood's Surfacing on Saturday (I'm going to have to read some lit. crit. about this novel because I'm not sure I got it) and am now reading Jonathan Franzen's How to be Alone, a book of essays. I plan to start another novel today, perhaps Jumpher Lahiri's The Namesake. I wish I could find a job where I would be paid to read books--that would be my paradise.

Okay, now I need to do some housekeeping, which I have been putting off until summer began and today is the day. Later.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I lost again!

For the fourth time in two years, I have lost out on something that I have applied for. Yesterday, I learned that I did not get the position of Academic Associate. I lost out on this job not because I couldn't do the job, but because if I got the job, the principal feared that another teacher, who had also interviewed for it, might leave. The other teacher lost out on the job because of the same fear in my direction. I was very angry, disappointed, and sad about it yesterday. I have a bad feeling about having to teach for another year--I feel like I will not survive the year. I'm not being melodramatic; I really feel this way. I've felt this way for a while now--hopeless and helpless. Nothing will change, and I have no power to effect change. The school system I work in is oppressive and disheartening and permanent.

I thought I would feel less angry, less sad this morning, but I feel worse. I just can't believe that I didn't get that job, especially when everyone that knows me on my campus and in the district knows I can do that job and do it well. I'm sure that most of them expected me to get the job too. I can't believe the principal would pick someone who doesn't work on our campus already, doesn't know the community, the students, or the faculty. To me, and to others, he has shown that he doesn't really care about the students or the faculty. If he had just given the job to one of our faculty member, I think he would had gone a long way toward cultivating a positive relationship with the faculty.

Unfortunately, I can't walk away from my job, which is all it will be now. Just a job--no passion, no life--how sad to even say that. I am going to resign from every committee that I am a member of. I start to work at 7:45 and stop working at 3:45. I will not do anything extra for teachers, staff, or students. I will not participate in anything extra except as required to get my comp hours and my gt hours. I can't participate in something that I don't believe in anymore.

The saddest part of all this is that absolutely no one except me will tell the principal that he made a wrong decision, whether it be about this position or anything else he decides. Our faculty has no voice! They are sheep, shepherded by the principal and administration. They will complain and commiserate, but no one will do anything about it. They will defend their individual positions on certain issues, but never speak out as a group in a powerful and meaningful way. They will bring issues, anonymously, to the Campus Improvement Team, which, if this year is any indication, means nothing any more. And now, I have to get ready to join the herd.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A Good Morning

Today is going to be a good day.
I will start packing up my classroom today. Really!
I will meet with the principal about a movie that my co-worker and I have been showing for years. I will present my case, but be contrite--I will not blow my chances at getting the Academic Associate position. He said he was going to make a decision by Friday. I can't let some parent complaint about this movie ruin my chances at that position. As soon as I saw the principal's email last evening, I knew that I should have decided not to show that movie.
Today is going to be a good day. Really!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Mad Monday Morning

I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood. This morning, I woke up hating my job again, hitting snooze until I just had to get up, trying to figure out some sub plans so I could stay home. Nothing really unusual in this except there is only two weeks left until summer vacation begins. In the meantime, though, I have to pack up my whole room so my stuff can be stored for the summer while our old building is being demolished and the new building is completed. I haven't even begun to pack, and I didn't finish grading papers this weekend. I'm sure my bad mood is the result of these two stresses, and the fact that I'm still waiting to hear about the Academic Associate position. The principal said last Monday that he planned to act quickly--I really thought that I would hear something by Friday. Maybe I will hear something today. Now, I better get ready for the job that I loathe.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Feeling Defeated

Yesterday, I interviewed for the position of Academic Associate at my campus. I felt more confident than I have ever felt during an interview. When I left the interview, I felt really positive. I knew I had been articulate and smart. I knew I was qualified for most of the job responsibilities and that I could learn the ones I don't know. The principal said he planned to act quickly, but the decision is a joint one--him, the three counselors, & the current AA--I have no idea what he meant by quickly either. I really felt good about my chances yesterday, but tonight, I feel defeated. I felt this way about the grant application to go to Ireland (see my "In Limbo" post, March 21, 2005). I know it's silly, but I really wanted to know today. It's even more silly since the principal wasn't in for most of the day. I still feel defeated though. After almost a whole school year with this new principal, I still don't know where I stand with him. I don't like not knowing.

I am worried, too, about how I will react if I don't get the position. I know I will survive, but I'm not sure how or in what condition. I am so unhappy as a teacher these days. Even when I somehow get my students excited about something in the classroom, like my sophomores today, I can't even feel completely good about it. There's always something dark, lurking. I can't seem to move away from the edge of sadness for long periods of time. Luckily, I haven't gone over the edge, and I don't want to, but I do worry that losing the fourth thing that I have applied for in about a year & a half might push me over.

Damn! It's midnight already. Later.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

I hate my job.

If you are one of the two people who read this blog regularly, you can stop reading now. I have said this all before.

I hate my job.
I hate the thought of having to get up in the morning and go to work.
I hate Sunday nights because they have to end, and when they do, Monday must follow. I have to work on Monday.

Sometimes, I really think I would rather die than have to go to my job for one more minute. Too melodramatic? Probably, but I do find myself thinking that sometimes.

During the week, I actually had several things that I wanted to blog about this weekend. I had internet problems this week and wasn't able to be on the computer as much as usual for half the week. I thought I would post a few things tonight. I thought I might blog about all the libraries in our school district being closed for the entire month of May so librarians can do an inventory, which was made necessary by a loss of data in a system that wasn't backed up. Stupid public school district can track where I go on the internet, but can't back up important data. I also planned to post another Devil's Bitch story. Another post I had planned was one describing the murder of my love for teaching.

I thought I would write about at least one of these, but with Sunday rapidly drawing to a close, all I can think about now is how much I hate being a teacher these days. It's really sad because I used to love being a teacher. I have to stop feeling this way.