Procrastination

Yesterday, I got my car's brakes fixed, read more of Cloud Atlas, and slept too much. Today, I cleaned my kitchen, paid bills, bought groceries, cooked lunch and dinner, read the paper, , watched baseball (Yea! Astros!) and football (the Texans SUCK!), went to the library and 3 bookstores.

Instead of all of the above, I needed to grade papers, but grading is the one thing I didn't do.

I have spent the entire weekend avoiding grading a huge load of papers. I just cannot bring myself to work on them here at home. Tonight, I have even thought that it would be better to just die than have to ever grade another paper or go back to work tomorrow or any day after tomorrow. Of course, I'm being melodramatic, but I really could have stayed in bed all day and could probably do the same tomorrow. Yesterday afternoon, after spending $500 on my car's brake system (a depressing but necessary expenditure), I came home planning to work all evening so that I wouldn't have to work today. Instead of working, I slept all afternoon and into the night. I realized when I woke up at 8:00 last night that I must be really depressed. I love to nap, but I don't usually sleep that long unless I'm hiding from some bad feelings. I have been trying to be positive and put on a happy face for work. I have been doing this successfully until this week. I'm not sure what triggered the failure of my facade, but I have to find a way to patch it back together if I'm going to get through the rest of this school year and Open House tomorrow night.

I would love to just walk away, but I can't afford to do that. I have a plan to get out of teaching next year, but somehow I have to finish this year without ruining my reputation as a teacher. You never know when I might need a recommendation.

We are supposed to wear our school shirts tomorrow, but I don't think I will. My newest one shrank in the wash, it's a man's shirt (they are always men's shirts), and I hate it. I have no idea what I will wear instead. I wish I could just call in sick and not go at all ever, but I will be out next week for two days, visiting a school in Amarillo. I'm on a committee that is going, but I wish I weren't going and that I was no longer on that committee. I feel that the committee's work is so futile. No one really listens to us teachers anymore. I don't feel that the administrators respect or appreciate us at all. They don't listen to our ideas and rarely, if ever, respond to our emails, at least not for a month.

Enough. I have to stop writing this now. I'm just depressing myself even more. For now, I will play Scarlett, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." Later.

Where have I been?

I can't believe that it's been almost 10 days since my last post. Pretending to be a good, dedicated teacher is hard work, and it makes me tired. Most evenings, I come home after work and have no energy for anything other than watching television and veg-ing in my big comfy chair. If I find the energy to do my three mile walk, I feel good until I step out of the shower, then I just feel exhausted. While I don't like being so tired, my pretending has worked so far. I haven't had any really bad days, but I am beginning to feel depressed about the whole teaching situation, especially the feeling that I work so hard and do so much yet I still have so much to do. Thursday, I'm going to do two things to start the ball rolling on changing jobs after this school year. I know I have to be pro-active this year because nothing is going to fall in my lap. Also, I know that I don't have the right kind of connections to get out of the classroom without leaving the school district I now work in. I don't play politics well enough, unfortunately, but I don't want to think about that now.

Although I haven't been posting lately, I have had some ideas for posts. I will just list them here with a few comments. Maybe I will expand on them later, when I'm not needing to go to bed so I can get up for work in the morning.

1. I have an extreme case of book lust. I am in the middle of reading and enjoying Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell, yet I am constantly thinking of other books that I want to read. Since Thursday, when the short list for the Man Booker Prize for Literature was announced, I have been obsessing over how I can get a copy of The Accidental by Ali Smith. The book is not out in the U.S. I'm sure I can order a copy from some online bookseller, but I haven't pulled out my credit card just yet. Of course, I should & probably will just wait for it to come out here, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I read and loved the author's first novel, Hotel World, so I want to read her new one. I think that I would feel this way even if the novel wasn't shortlisted for the Booker Prize. To truly understand how silly this desire is, you would have to see my "to read" shelves on one of my bookcases plus I have a stack of at least three books by my bed. These books are supposed to be next in line, but I have no fidelity to that line. I am always wanting more books to read and thinking of more books to re-read. To make the book lust worse, I surf literary blogs often. Yesterday, I checked out Confessions of an Idiosyncratic Mind. The most recent post concerned a novel called Taming the Beast. The blogger's review made me want to read this book, which is not out in the U.S. yet. I guess I should be glad that these two books are not here yet--money saved is always a good thing, right?
   
2. It's football season!!! I love football, especially professional football. I grew up watching the Cowboys (they won today!!!), and I still love them. However, I will watch whatever NFL game that is on, and I know the rules too. I'm not sure why I love football so much. I am an intelligent, intellectual woman, but I love to see a man get "jacked up" on the football field--ESPN Monday night pre-game show fans will know what I'm talking about. Maybe instead of a librarian, I should become a football coach. ;-)
   
3. I've been thinking much about my singleness. I enjoy my solitude for the most part, but I know that some people who know me irl probably think I'm a lonely, old spinster or that I have an easy life with few responsibilities (I'm sure some envy me that). Sometimes I am a lonely, old spinster, but most of the time, I enjoy being single and living alone. I don't have to explain my every move to anyone. I can make choices and not be concerned about anyone else's feelings. I can come and go as I please. Does my desire for a solitary life make me some kind of weirdo? I hope not, but I have a feeling that other people would say yes. I will definitely have to write more about this later.
4. The Katrina aftermath. My friend Penny thinks Bush's mishandling might lead to some kind of political shake-up. I wish I could be that hopeful. I'm afraid Americans have short memories. My positive feelings are for all the people of Texas, especially Houston of course, who have aided people affected by the hurricane and its aftermath. I'm not one of those Texans who is more patriotic to Texas than to the U.S., but I have to say that I'm proud to be a Texan and a Houstonian these days. I still won't say the Texas pledge at work though, but that's another story.
   

I guess I better go to bed now. I told Valerie earlier that I wanted to stay up all night reading and writing and play hooky from work tomorrow, but I have to miss work on Thursday, so I can't play hooky tomorrow. Therefore, I need sleep. I need to clean my kitchen too, but I guess I will do that when I get home tomorrow night.

Wait before I go, I have to recommend the movie Junebug. I gave up watching the Cowboys win today to go see it with Valerie. Before we went to sit down, we read some comments by previous viewers. The comments were not good: "Worst movie ever." "Malo pero autentica." "Very slow but authentic." I think only one was good. We talked about slipping out if the movie was that bad and going to see another one that we wanted to see. It started 30 minutes later than Junebug. Well, I don't know what movie those people watched, but I liked the movie. I didn't think it was slow at all. It was quite funny and very interesting. I didn't even think about the Cowboys game that I was missing. Believe me, that is high praise for a movie. :-)

Good night now.

Ineffable and Futile

I've wanted to post something about Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath, but I just really haven't been able to write what I want to say. Mother Nature can be an awesome and terrible thing. Human nature can be even worse sometimes. I am appalled by the lack of a plan/desire to get the poor out, and I'm appalled by people shooting at police/aid workers. I have watched entirely too much news coverage of this event. I really should stop watching because it just angers and saddens me. I really can't watch the footage of people talking about what they lost because I just cry. I want to do something to help, but I feel helpless, even donating my little amount of money seems like a futile act. Even worse for me, I really do feel at a loss for meaningful words regarding this catastrophe. (I'm sure Valerie is thinking something like this, "But Kim, this is almost all we have talked about for days now.") I can talk about specific things I see and hear, but I just can't seem to get my feelings down on paper in a coherent way. I feel a need to write, but the words are hiding from me.

Last week, I had an idea to write a series of poems/essays/stories about how some people are "invisible" our society. After seeing all of those poor, stranded people in New Orleans, I know that I should pursue that idea. Maybe I will share some here if I stop locate those words that are hiding from me.

I have to cut this short. Valerie is on her way to pick me up for work. Later.

Weekend Reflections

Despite having another good week at work, I found myself feeling very hateful and unhappy on Friday. I hated my job and every student who walked in my door. I was very bothered by my feelings on Friday morning during my first period class, because my students have really done nothing to justify my feelings. At the beginning of first period, I was a real bitch, but later in the day, I started to feel better about my students--there always seem to be one or two who make me feel bad about my bad attitude, and they do it by just being nice to me. By the end of the day, I decided that the reason for my hateful feelings was that I really do hate my job and can't let myself settle into a routine and forget about taking care of business so I can become a librarian. More and more, I am convinced that the librarian path is the one I should be on. After work on Friday, I met some co-workers at a local restaurant and had drinks, which, of course, made me feel very good. It was a nice way to end the week.

Yesterday, all I wanted to do was read--I needed to work, but I just haven't been able to make myself do that on the weekends since last school year. I had started Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell last weekend but had been so tired during the week that I hadn't read much at all. Yesterday afternoon, Valerie and I went to a local cafe for a while, me to read and her to work. I didn't get much reading done there, but I did get a lot done at home later in the day and that night. I read until 1:00 a.m. and would have kept reading, but I had plans for today and didn't want to be completely exhausted. The book reminds me a bit of The Hours by Michael Cunningham, which I loved. It is divided into sections telling the stories of different people in different time periods, but the stories are connected in some way. Except for the slight shock of one section ending in mid-sentence, I have enjoyed the novel immensely. I have been completely drawn into the stories. Of course, now that the weekend is over, I will have to return the book to the back burner until next weekend--after I read myself to sleep with it tonight.

This afternoon, Valerie and I went to the Theater District's Open House. We had a nice day in the heat, sampling food and music. We got some really good coupons for all kinds of great deals for theater district events, if we can just remember to use them. The best part of the day was watching this little boy "Be the Conductor." The symphony volunteer put a little tuxedo jacket on him and handed him a baton. He was so serious, but he was really trying to be the conductor. His dad tried to make him move the baton and his free hand in a certain way, but he had other ideas. When the music ended, he took a very professional bow. He was so cute!!!! He made me wish I had a cute little boy to be the conductor too.

I guess I better get ready for bed now. I have to be a teacher again tomorrow, unfortunately. Send me good vibes for another good week at the job I hate. :-)

Good Feelings

I'm not sure how to write this post. I'm not sure I've ever written a positive work-related post. This past week, the first full week of classes, was actually a good week for me. It wasn't perfect (see Valerie's post from 8/17 for proof of imperfections), but at the end of each day, I found myself thinking, with some surprise, that I had had a good day. I have been trying very hard to be positive about my students, the school, and administration. The last one is the hardest. If I'm honest, I do feel that there is a black cloud of repression and distrust floating over the school. I just tried very hard not to let it affect me this week. Maybe I was just too busy being a better teacher than I have been in several years and did not had time to pay close attention to the negative. All week, I kept telling my students that I'm there to help them if/when they need it, and this year, I actually believe myself. I'm not sure what's happened. Maybe believing that this is my last year as a classroom teacher helps me to focus on the positive more. I'm not looking forward and seeing year after year of the same old drudgery. I'm seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing opportunities for a more fulfilling work life.

Although I had a good week, I feel kind of guilty that others, like Valerie, didn't have a good week. I've been such a complainer and a whiner for the last year and a half that I feel like I don't deserve to have good days, especially when Valerie and others who have tried to be positive in light of my negativity have bad days. Of course, if my life works the way it has in the past, our fortunes will switch back to normal soon. For now though, I will enjoy the good feelings at work and about work.

Before I go to bed, I have to tell the first Devil's Bitch story of the school year. Wednesday at lunch, a group of us were chatting and enjoying our food. We had had our first advisory period meetings that morning and the conversation centered around our new experiences. The DB decided to tell us what she had told her advisory class. I don't remember how she prefaced the story, but it was intended to make us ask her to tell this story about a teacher she had. After she made her opening remark (damn, I wish I could remember what she said), she just sat there expecting us to ask her to tell us the story. No one said a word, not one word. I'm not sure anyone even looked up from their lunches. Of course, instead of just letting it drop, she had to tell us that we were supposed to ask her to tell the story. A couple of people said something like, "DB please don't tell us the story." She just laughed and told her story--I can't believe how blind some people are. We really didn't want to hear her story. During the story, even two of the nicest, most Christian of our English teachers, were making faces and making little comments. DB was oblivious to it all. She thought we were teasing her because we like her and her stories. She just told her story with gusto and left, I'm sure, feeling like she had really entertained us. How sad! And how funny!!!!! I loved it.

So, I guess I will go to bed now. I bought a new book today that I want to read more of before I sleep. Of course, I didn't need a new book since I have many books already waiting in line to be read. I have to find some time this week to work on my writing. I have this great idea for an essay about why I read so much. Maybe I will get home early enough this week to walk and write and read. If so, I'm sure I will have another good week.

Work Woes and Salvation

Today, I really do feel like I'm barely keeping myself together. I already feel like I'm way behind at work and am stressed to get caught up. What a crappy feeling! I kept thinking today that I should call in sick tomorrow. Of course, I can't. It's only the 3rd day of school, and I'm not sick, at least not physically. I just feel frazzled. I really don't want to keep writing about my work woes, but I just can't seem to shake my feelings of doom. I have felt all day like I should be working. I worked all day in my room yesterday, but I still feel like I need to do some things before I go to work tomorrow. By working yesterday, I really didn't have time to do some of the things I wanted to do this weekend, like read, write, and paint (I still haven't opened that new watercolors set). :-( I had an idea about an essay/blog post that I want to write about why I read so much, but I know it will take some time and planning before I can post it. Sadly, the tiny bit of time I spent reading this weekend was spent re-reading my AP students' summer reading novel, A Prayer for Owen Meany, which I am testing them on tomorrow and am far from finishing. Although I enjoy the book, I would rather be reading something new for my own edification or pleasure. Maybe I can work on my essay/blog post while my students are writing an essay tomorrow.

One, and not the only one, good thing about today was this morning's church service. Today's sermon was called "Salvation in the 21st Century," but really it was about the Unitarian Universalist idea of salvation--"wholeness, not despair, is our birthright." I really enjoyed the sermon. It made me realize that there is much that I do not know about this church/belief system that I have been "visiting" for well over a year. Not long ago, I said that I thought I wanted to join the church. Today made me know that I should learn more about the beliefs, but it also reinforced my feeling that I should join. There is a Pathway to Membership meeting next month, and I think I'm going to try to attend. From what I understood, Unitarian Universalists believe that humans are all saved. Salvation is being in the right relationship with one's self, other people, nature, and Mystery (God?). At some point during the sermon (or during the meditation time after the sermon), the minister asked three questions, 1) From what do you need to be saved? 2) What saves you? 3) For what will you be saved? What is your contribution to the right relationships with others? I think I will be pondering these questions for a while, especially the third one. Maybe I will answer them in a later blog post.

Well, I guess I better go to bed now. I do have to get up early in the morning.

Unexpected Bad Feelings

As soon as I stepped inside my apartment tonight, I felt like I could just sit down and bawl for hours. I wasn't expecting to feel that way at all. I had not felt that way before I walked through my door. I had not even felt that way this morning when I learned that I had to spend some of my prep time today in a committee meeting, which ended up lasting over two hours. Although my eyes were brimming with tears, I didn't cry. I'm not sure why. After all, no one would have seen or heard me crying, since I live alone. I think I didn't cry because I had no shoulder to cry on, no one to tell my sob story to. I really needed someone to come home to tonight. I haven't felt this lonely in a very long time. Most of the time I really enjoy my solitude. However, for some reason tonight, once I left work, I just felt really sad. I'm sure work stress is the root cause, and I believe things will get better. I have been really trying not to whine and complain about all the chaos at work. I have helped people even when I needed to be helping myself. I am truly trying to make the best of things. I think my optimistic facade is fading though.

Maybe tomorrow night, I will get home early enough to relax, drink a glass of wine, and use my new watercolors and/or go for a swim. (If I had someone to swim with, I would go get in the pool right now.) Maybe painting something will make me feel better and help me finish this damn poem that I can't seem to finish. I think I've been working on it off and on almost all summer.

Okay, now I have to go to bed so I can be a teacher tomorrow.

Early Morning Blues

This has to be a quick post because I have to pick Valerie up and go to work in just a few minutes. But I have to get this off my chest. Yesterday, I was feeling good about getting my brand new room in order--only missing a teacher desk, or so I thought, I was so much better off than many other teachers on my campus. Suddenly, I looked around my room for the boxes of paperbacks--almost all of my AP English literature novels--and discovered that too big boxes of books were missing. These are books that I issue to students from the beginning of school. I don't know what I will do if these boxes are not found soon. It will cause me to change my whole AP curriculum, and I'm just not sure I can handle that this year. I have been awake since 4:30a.m. worrying about this.

I have to stop now. It's time to go pick up Valeria and go to work and try to cope. Send me some good coping vibes, and wish me luck.

Back to Work :-(

I started back to work Friday. Yuck! The whole day, I was smiling and pretending that I was glad to be there and going to be okay. For the most part, I was really okay. Even when I heard that our multimedia lab was going to be used for something else this year, I quickly decided why that was the correct thing to do and didn't allow myself to be angry about it. However, I can tell that our two new assistant principals are going to be difficult for me to like. They both acted as if our teachers are a bunch of idiots with little or no classroom management and little or no technology competency. Still, I'm going to try to stay out of the way and just get through this year. Regardless of those negative feelings, I couldn't allow myself to feel too bad because I have a room with most of my belongings in it already, and I could get in it on Friday. Others were not so lucky. I am taking this as a good sign for my year.

Friday Funnies
1. The question of the day for Friday - Why would someone keep a penny in his ear?
This young man, one of many manual laborers hired to move boxes and furniture into our new building, stopped in my room and was just looking around. I asked if he needed something, and he said he was going to bring me some new bookcases and was looking to see where to put them. I said okay, then I had to ask why he had a penny stuck in his ear. He kind of laughed and shrugged, then he said, "I ain't never broke" and turned around and walked off. It was all I could do to keep from laughing before he got out of earshot.

2. Another group of movers told me earlier in the day that if I went to the store and bought some beer they would help me drink it and move some stuff that didn't belong to me out of my room and set up my new students desks. When I said that I didn't drink beer and asked if wine would do, one of the workers asked if I had tried the new orange flavored Boone's Farm wine. I said no, and he said it tastes just like Orange Crush--a high recommendation apparently. I said something about that being marketed for underage drinkers, and he said he was only 21. I just started laughing.

Now, I must go to bed so I will be well-rested for tomorrow's staff development events. In the morning, I get to see a video of a speech that I saw given in Nashville. I know people are not going to appreciate the speech as much as those of us who went to Nashville, but I do think William Daggett has some important things to say about improving schools. Anyway, in the afternoon, I have to give a presentation on our new advisory period. I hope I don't bore everyone to tears; I'm sure I will piss someone off, but that doesn't bother me--I kind of enjoy pissing people off sometimes, especially some of the people with whom I work. Hey, that's something to look forward to--trying to be positive, always. ;-)

The Last Day of Summer

Tomorrow, I must return to the world of work. :-( While I'm not looking forward to it, I am not dreading it as much as I might. I think my efforts at de-stressing this summer have worked very well. I have thought as little as possible about work. I have read as much as possible. I've done some writing, both online and off. I have watched movies, Astros games, and drank lots of wine. Much thanks must be given to Valerie for putting up with all my stressed out anguish during last school year and the early part of the summer. She really has been a great friend. Thanks to her, I have had a great, relaxing summer.

I spent this last day doing very little. I went to the MFA to see the Cy Twombly exhibit, which was a bit disappointing--only one series of 12 paintings, Lepanto. However, I did enjoy the exhibit of acquisitions from the last five years. Two Kenneth Noland paintings were included. I don't know why I am so drawn to his work, but I feel good knowing that I can go to the MFA on a regular basis and contemplate those two paintings. Something about his work draws me in and comforts me. Tonight, I have read some--trying to finish one more book, had a glass of wine and some chocolate, and watched some television--Astros are losing now. :-(

Now, I must return to my work night routine. The news is over, and I have to get up early, so I will finish off my glass of wine and head to bed. I will read for a while, of course--I really need to finish The Shadow of the Wind in the next couple of days. I still need to re-read A Prayer for Owen Meany before I try to talk about it with my AP students next week. So, good night!

The Last Sunday of Summer

Today is a bittersweet day. Counting today, I only have five more days of summer vacation; I start back to work on Friday. :-( Still, I have these last five days to enjoy. I am going to read one more book, which I started last night. I am going to go to the beach one more time and sit and read under the shade of an umbrella that, on a too hot Texas day, is worth much more than the $15.00 it will cost to rent. I am going to see the Cy Twombly exhibit at the MFA, even if I have to go on a day other than Thursday when it's free. I will use my new watercolors for the first time. I will finish at least one of the poems I have started this summer. Maybe I will go see one more movie.

Addition - 8/1, 8:48 a.m.
I had a nice last Sunday of summer. I went to church and heard and interesting talk about positive ways to interpret the story of La Llorona. After church, I had lunch with Valerie. Later, we went to see The Beautiful Country, which was an excellent movie. It really heightened my awareness of people trafficking, which made me angry, disgusted, and sad. Americans really should be more aware of these horrible crimes. Then I played Betty Homemaker and made dinner: salad, mashed potatoes, green peas, and grilled some sirloin accompanied with Black Opal Cabernet. It was all yummy. After eating, Valerie beat me playing cards. Then we watched Def Poetry On Demand and were disappointed not to see the most recent episode. A poet that we met last year in Lake Jackson was on Friday night, but apparently Def Poetry On Demand is over a week behind, which is weird because other shows like Six Feet Under are not over a week behind. Speaking of Six Feet Under, we watched that last night too. As we were watching, I said to Valerie that I would rather Nate die than end up with the syrupy, sweetly manipulative Maggie. Can you imagine how shocked we were when Nate DIED? I don't read all the entertainment news, but I had not heard anything about a main character dying in this final season of the show. What a shock!

Now, I need to get ready to go to the beach. I'm going to sit under an umbrella and read for hours while the ocean serenades me today. I'm not even going to think about summer ending and work starting. I'm just going to chill--of course, I will be sweating and chilling at the same time. :-) Later.

A Fallen Woman Finishes Another Book

On Friday, 7/22, I finished reading Dear Zoe. Finishing three books in one week is a big accomplishment for me, so I feel the need to document. Also, I really enjoyed reading Dear Zoe. When I finished I wrote a blog entry in my paper journal. I'm just going to copy it here.

I just finished reading Dear Zoe. I wish I was home alone so I could have a good cry now. Valerie is here. We had gone to Cafe Artiste earlier but came back here to finish our books (she's reading Three Junes). I thought I would finish reading and wait out the rain, then walk at 7:00. Unfortunately, my clumsiness, rain or not, will keep me from walking today.

When we got back to my apartment, it was raining, and I was running my mouth, always, and running up the stairs when I slammed my left foot into a concrete step. After of moment of stunned suspension, I proceeded to fall up the stairs, slamming my leg into another concrete step. The Coke that I had just bought slammed to the sidewalk below--an acceptable loss, easily replaceable. My book and the take home container of blackberry cobble landed safely on a stair albeit not without some minor injuries--those losses I could not have borne. :-) I actually almost started to cry, but then I realized that I'm a big girl, one who's fallen before and will likely fall again, so I stopped myself. Besides I didn't want to cry in front of Valeria or anyone else for that matter. I prefer to do my crying in solitude. Though I'm sure she would have taken care of me if I had. She's nice like that. Only superficial wounds to clean then I could get back to finishing my book, which I did.

So what did I think of Dear Zoe? I thought it a very straightforward, epistolary, coming of age novel, a genre that I really don't care for. I liked the premise of this one though. On a day when a whole nation was rocked by a great tragedy, a family's small world is rocked by it's own smaller (in the eyes of the world only) tragedy, which makes dealing with their tragedy a bit more difficult. The narrative voice--Tess, a fifteen-year-old girl who is aware of how her world works, but not without some blind spots--is extremely well done. Despite some unbelievable plot twists, I found lots to like about this novel. The no-good but loving dad Nick and the almost perfect step-dad David make good foils, though not angry or antagonistic. They both recognize their limitations and try to do the best they can within their limits. I like that they don't try to punish each other, but they aren't friends either. The author works very hard to draw emotions in the last chapter, but I don't think that detracts from the novel. I think he speaks, through Tess, a lot of truth about the loss of a loved one, and some may find it a bit sappy, but I thought it sounded like a fifteen year old girl, which is what it should have sounded like.

The rest of my writing on Friday was about what book I would read next. Two days have passed and I'm almost half finished with Busman's Honeymoon by Dorothy L. Sayers. A British mystery published in 1937, I have a real affinity for things British, especially mystery novels.

I've Been Tagged

Valerie tagged me to do top 10 lists of turn-ons and turn-offs. When she told me she tagged me, I acted like I wish she hadn't done it, but just a couple of months ago, I was wishing someone would tag me. I don't know why I acted that way. I do wish that she had not tagged CM because that leaves me only one person to tag, Lois. Really, though, I'm glad to be part of this tagging thing. It makes me feel part of the blogging community.

Top 10 Turn-ons

1. Brains. You have to be intelligent to interest me.
   
2. Humor. If we can't laugh together, we can't love together.
3. A big smile, one that lights up a room.
4. Smooth brown skin. The smooth skin can be brown from birth or a healthy, natural sun tan.
   
5. Pretty eyes. Like the waiter from Carrabas yesterday, he had eyes that I could have looked into for hours at a time.
6. Self confidence. I'm not always very self confident, so if you're not, then we're screwed (and not in a good way). ;-)
   
7. Articulateness. I love to talk about books, movies, politics, the world, and I really like to have some witty repartee, especially if there's some flirting involved.
8. A reader. I love to read and want to be with someone who at least likes to read.
   
9. Soft hands. To run over my body, I really like the feel of that.
10. A good kisser. I really like to make out, maybe even more than having sex. Did I really say that? ;-)
    

Top 10 Turn-offs

1. Cockiness.
   
2. Hatred.
3. Intolerance.
4. Scraggly facial hair.
5. Ignorance.
6. Sloppiness.
   
7. Condescension.
8. Obesity.
9. Non-reader.
   
10. Body odor.

The turn-ons list was really hard for me. I'm not sure why. Of course, now that it's finished, I will probably think of so many more that I could add.

I have decided to tag one other person, Danny at Dad Gone Mad. His blog is so funny, even the ones focused on sophomoric humor, which I could have put in my turn offs list. I can't help myself from laughing out loud when I read most of his posts. I'm sure his lists will be nothing short of hilarious.

Pretty Thoughts

The subject of this blog has been on my mind since I attended my niece's wedding last Friday night.

My sister Susy is still the pretty one in my family. My niece's are all pretty too, but I'm talking about my four siblings and myself. When Susy got out of her car at the church, I was actually taken aback by how pretty she looked. I guess, for the past few years, when I've seen her she has usually looked stressed--being a single mother of two, aged 13 and 15, and our father's caretaker would make anyone look stressed. She has worked in a factory for a long time and only in the past year or so has she moved into an office position, one that she should have had a long time ago. So, for a long time, she dressed extremely casually all the time, jeans/shorts and big t-shirts. She still dresses this way sometimes, but she has recently begun to care more about her clothes. I think she's really trying to hook some man, but she's playing it real nonchalant when she talks about it. ;-) She used to tease me about "dressing up" when we would go places because she didn't want to dress up, but the last couple of times that we have gone to the casino boats, she has "dressed up" too.

So back to Friday night, I had some rather unpleasant deja vu when I stood near her part of the night--part of the night all I felt was very pleasant wine effects. Standing near her, I felt fat (she's not skinny either, but she looked so pretty that I don't think anyone would have noticed that she's not skinny) and not ugly but not pretty, homely, I guess. This is exactly how I felt growing up next to her. To those of you who know me IRL, please do NOT send me messages affirming how pretty you think I am or how pretty I am on the inside or how being pretty doesn't necessarily = happiness. I'm really not depressed or self-loathing over this; I'm just explaining. I am being completely honest about my looks, not my person, and I think it's healthy to admit that I'm not physically pretty but I wish I were. Honestly, if I was in a line up, no one would say, "Well she can't possibly be guilty because she's so pretty." :-) Besides, those kinds of messages only confirm the recipients feelings.

So, after I sobered up the next day (my increased/increasing alcohol intake will be the subject of a future post, I'm sure), I started thinking about my desire to be pretty. When I was younger and possessed a bit more bravado, I was only too happy to be the smart one in the family. Other members of my family are smart, but I'm definitely the intellectual one. I had brains. What did I need looks for? Besides, I wasn't "dirt ugly"--my high school friends and I used to say we could never marry anyone dirt ugly, wouldn't want to wake up to that every morning--man, we were really shallow 80s teens. :-)

Now that I'm older, I find myself wishing that I was pretty, not gorgeous or beautiful, just pretty. I know that looks aren't everything. I know that being pretty wouldn't eliminate all my angst. However, I can't deny that I want people to look at me and say/think, "She's pretty." And yes, I know how silly this sounds, but it's true. None of us can deny that in the world today looks do count. I'm sure most of us can name someone whom we feel like either did or didn't get a job because of her/his looks. When I see women on TV talking about having work done, I completely understand why they've done it. If I had the money, I'm sure I would have something done. I wouldn't have too much done, but I would have something done to look pretty--braces, a nose job, liposuction, something. I would draw the line at a boob job though. My breasts are not that big and if I lost weight they would be smaller, but I want people to look me in the face, not the chest.

Speaking of losing weight, readers will notice that I have not discussed ways that I can work to make myself look better, though not necessarily prettier. Basically, I'm lazy about working to look good. I don't want to spend too much time on makeup, hair, or weight control. However, I have recently thought about working more at looking good. I have walked three miles many days this summer. The last couple of weeks though my walking schedule has been disrupted by work, travel, and rain. :-( I will get back on track this evening, weather permitting. Also, I bought a hair straightener to try to make my hair look better (and hence pretty?) than it does when I just blow it dry. Finally, I have started a back-to-school (work) shopping list with new makeup at the top.

So why the desire to look pretty? Sibling rivalry, maybe. If Susy looks pretty, I want to look pretty too. Besides, I'm single and over 40 and smart; I need to add pretty to my qualities to increase my chances of finding someone to share the second half of my life with. I don't want to end up an old maid, do I? ;-) Well, at least, I'm funny, aren't I? That's something. Right?

Before I sign off, I have to stress that Susy is not merely physically pretty. She really has bravely taken on the care of our dad and is trying so hard to raise her kids to be good people. She would do anything to help her friends, of which she has many, and her family. AND she's smart. I wish I had a picture that I could post to show how pretty she looked Friday night.

Waking Desperation

I woke this morning feeling like someone/something is trying to steal my summer time from me. I feel like I start back to work tomorrow, but I don't really start back until August 5. I do have to go to a meeting tomorrow, and I'm supposed to go to a couple of things next week, which reminds me I need to cancel those (done!). Today, all I have to do is drive down to Freeport this afternoon and pick up Valerie. I had thought that I might go visit my friend Lois and her grandsons, whom she is babysitting this week. They must have kept her so busy this week that she has not had any problems sleeping because she hasn't replied to my email yet. She tends to surf the net late at night and early in the morning when she's having trouble sleeping.

I feel like I have to fight the summer-time thief by satisfying my need to do only what I want to do--read, read, read, and blog a little, nothing too stressful, no expectations. For the past three days, I have really done nothing stressful. I have even decided to drop my fiction workshop. I am completely blocked on finishing my story, but also, I really can't stand the thought of spending 6+ hours of the rest of my summer, reading and responding to someone else's work. Damn, I really am so selfish these days. Instead, I want to finish Dear Zoe, read at least two more books, write some blog posts and maybe a poem or two, and not really think about work until August 1. I just want to be able to stay up late and sleep late and not feel like something is waiting for me.

One potentially stressful thing that I must do before August 5: my car needs some repairs. I had planned to have the brakes done and the front axle replaced when I get paid next week. Now, I think I may have to have my alternator replaced too. Maybe the need for car repairs initiated this feeling of desperation. Whatever caused it, I don't like it! Damn the life of an underpaid working person.

Finished Another One

I have finished another book, Forbidden Knowledge by Roger Shattuck. It's about one half literary criticism and one half cultural/social criticism. I really enjoyed the first half in which he analyzed literature that uses the idea of forbidden knowledge. Some of the texts he used in the Bible, Paradise Lost, Goethe's Faust. I read the first half during the school year. The second half is mostly about science and how it should be cautious in its desire for knowledge. For those who know me IRL, you understand how good finishing this books makes me feel. I really don't do non-fiction very much at all. I'm a literary fiction snob and proud of it. :-) The second half of the book was very interesting too, but I thought Shattuck never really answered the question of whether some knowledge should be forbidden. He did, however, caution against unbridled discovery without concern for the effects on ourselves, others, and the world around us.

Since this has become my week of reading, I have already started a new book, Dear Zoe by Philip Beard. It's not very long, less than 200 pages, and is reading fairly fast. I will probably finish it in a couple of days. Of course, I will let you know what I think of it when I've finished it. So far, so good. It's about a girl who was somehow complicit in the death of her sister on Sept. 11, 2001 (not in the terror attacks though). She is writing to her dead sister, working through her grief.

Finished!

I spent the day finishing my reading of Bee Season by Myla Goldberg. In the end, I really didn't like the book, but I have a thing about finishing all books that I start. In a previous post, I commented that there was something unsatisfying about the book. At first, I thought the book was too light-hearted, not dark enough, but in the end, the book is fairly dark, so that can't be the cause of my dissatisfaction. I think I have figured it out though. The book is structured in short scenes, which alternate the focus on each of the 4 members of the Naumann family. I think this structuring prevented me from ever spending enough time with one or more characters to feel connected to them. I just never was able to feel very deeply for the characters. I do have to admit that Goldberg's descriptions of Emily Naumann's, the young girl who unexpectedly wins her school spelling bee, relationship with and ideas about letters is at time so very clever. But that cleverness wasn't enough to make me care about what happens to the Naumanns in the end.

Now, I have to figure out what to read next. Of course, I have plenty of choices on my bookshelves, but I think I will go to the bookstore(s) tonight to see if I can find something new anyway. I think I've written before about my book-buying addiction.

I should be at the fiction writing workshop that I'm in this summer, but I decided today that I would play hooky. I only have this week and next left to enjoy as my summer break, so I couldn't bear the thought of sitting in class tonight. Tonight, like today, is my time, and I don't want to share it with anyone. I'm going to eat a nice dinner and go to the bookstore then start reading a new book. Besides, I didn't finish my submission, which was due today--you readers who know me IRL know how I procrastinate. Not to worry though, I can email it later in the week. Maybe my creative energy will return tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm sure it will. :-)

A Good, Short Vacation

The trip to Galveston was a big success, even though we didn't spend as much time on the beach as we had planned or sit on the balcony drinking wine. The rented umbrella had to be relinquished at 5:00, which meant we only had a couple of hours on the beach. Still, it was a nice couple of hours, chatting and reading, despite the knee-high pile of seaweed lining the beach and the family drama of the group next to us. The balcony was nice, but it was positioned so that it didn't get much breeze, so it was too hot to sit and drink. We did, however, sit in the room and drink wine and played Trivial Pursuit--yeah, we're both nerdy like that. The first bottle opened easily, but the second bottle required quite a fight to open. We had forgotten a corkscrew and bought the cheapest one at Kroger in Galveston. Of course, the cheapest one was one of those that waiters use--you have to pull the cork out. We both fought valiantly--lots of cork remains and some wine splattered all over the table--and refused to be beaten by the cork. Finally, we decided that if it wouldn't come out then we would push it in and drown it in wine. At last, we were victorious! Valerie took some pictures of the dead cork, which I'm sure she will post in her livejournal some time. The bad thing is that we fought so hard and didn't finish that second bottle of wine. The sight of wasted wine is so sad. :-( Still, a good time was had by both (I think I can speak for Valerie, anyway) of us--we had a good seafood dinner and spent yesterday morning strolling in and out of the air conditioned shops along The Strand. It really didn't matter that the trip was short; it was nice to get away with a good friend and relax for a couple of days. After all, the start of a new school year is less than a month away now. :-(

Vacation - 2 days, 1 night , one hour away

I went to Nashville a couple of weeks ago, but that really wasn't a vacation. I went for a work conference--all that late night honky-tonkin' still didn't make it a vacation. Really. Today, I am going on my summer vacation. I am all packed, waiting on Valerie to pick me up. We are going to Galveston, of all places, for our summer vacation trip. We had wanted to go to San Antonio--still not really far enough away for me--for a few days, but our meager teacher salaries and excessive spending on things like wine, books, and dinners out--the truly important things in life--prevented us from being able to do so. Alas, it's hard being a poor teacher with no rich spouse to pay for really good, long vacations to exotic places.

Really, though, I love Galveston. It's always been my favorite Texas getaway spot. I have many fond memories of family trips to Galveston. Too many years ago now, my mom and I had a couple of wonderful weekend trips to Dickens on the Strand--a pre-Christmas celebration. For a long time, after she died, I felt a need to go sit on the beach and just mourn. Unfortunately, she died at the cold wet beginning of November, and I didn't make it to the beach until the next summer. That trip with my sister, her kids, 4 nieces, my almost invalid dad, and Asshole Alvin, who was in the midst of a guilt-driven nervous breakdown or so he claimed, didn't lend itself to much time for reflection. Still it was a fun trip, especially the last night when my sister and I made very weak strawberry daiquiris for the girls, all too young to drink. We were the "cool" aunts--aunts should always be cool. I've been to the beach once or twice since then, but the need to mourn has passed. Maybe today, while I'm lying on the beach, I will think about Mom and not mourn but revel in my memories of her.

I'm sure Valerie and I will make the most of this short, in more ways than one, vacation trip. We must enjoy a really good seafood dinner somewhere. I woke up this morning craving boiled shrimp. Yummy!!! :-) Last night, I stocked up on wine. We plan to sit on the balcony with its guaranteed view of the ocean until very late, listening to the waves, and enjoying wine. Tomorrow morning, we will enjoy a leisurely breakfast then hit the Strand. Of course, payday is not until Thursday, so too much shopping won't be possible. The Strand is a good place for just browsing though, lots of interesting shops. Although this will be a short trip, not very far from home, I know we will have fun. We always do.

A Decision Made

This morning, I went to eat breakfast and took the novel Bee Season with me. I started it a couple of days ago, and I thought at first that the main character's point of view was very cute, and the book was funny. However, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to sustain my interest in it. I am easily bored by coming of age novels, and I'm sure that's what this novel will end up being one. (When I read books like this, I wish I could read as quickly as Valerie. She would probably have already finished the book by now.) Anyway, I was enjoying it while I ate breakfast, but periodically I had thoughts of wishing I was reading something else, something different. So after I finished eating, I gave in to my desire to go to the bookstore.

I had fought that temptation all week. I really can't afford to buy any new books until my next payday, nor do I need more books to read. I have over twenty books on my bookshelves that I plan to read some day. However, I love to buy books, so I will still go buy more when I can afford it. Today, I was good and didn't buy anything, but I really wanted several books and really wanted to read several books I already have but was reminded of them when I saw copies on the shelves. Walking the bookstore aisles, picking out book after book that I would love to have time to read before work starts back, I realized once again that I can't bear the thought of having to go back to work. I hate not having time to read and study for myself. Scanning the shelves for new books, I kept noticing the books that I teach. Seeing A Prayer for Owen Meany almost gave me an anxiety attack. My AP students are reading that this summer , and I haven't even begun to reread it, which I must do before school starts. However, I don't want to reread it; I would rather read something that I've never read before. I want to read for myself, not for my students.

For a while now, I have said I will teach one more year, and spend the year working toward leaving the classroom for good. I thought this was a good plan, but I knew that I had to make some decision about what I would do once I left the classroom. I kept vacillating between becoming a librarian and teaching at a community college/university and anything else that didn't involve teaching. I knew that I had to have a real plan and put it into action, but I just kept talking about it and doing nothing. Recently Valerie pointed out to me that I can't work toward a negative, that I have to work toward something. I admitted that I had been thinking the same thing and that I knew that I needed a concrete plan, or I would drift along and be in the same position next summer.

So I have decided to pursue a Master's of Library Science from University of North Texas. Also, I have almost decided that I can give up finishing my thesis for a Master's of Literature without feeling too much guilt. I really am just not interested in the topic right now. It's too stale for me, I think. Finishing that thesis really wouldn't open any new doors for me anyway. I can't afford to pursue a Ph. D., nor do I believe that I have the ambition to do so. Of course, as my friend Penny said, "...there is something to be said for just muscling through and to hell with any insecurities about 'how good it is'--how many master theses are even read anyway? Just get it over with." So this part of my decision is not definite yet. However, if I can afford to start working on the library science degree in the fall, then I think the literature thesis will be put away forever. I certainly won't be able to pay to work on it and the library science degree at the same time at two different universities.

Now, if I can just not feel guilty about quitting on the literature degree then I think I will be okay. And, of course, I have to cope with the depressing prospect of teaching for another year. Damn, I hate it when I make what should be a positive decision and end up still being depressed by it. Well, maybe I'll feel better in the morning--not likely since I will have more guilt for not finishing my short story today. Sometimes, I think I will never do anything but sit around and whine and complain about me not doing anything. I better to go to bed now so I don't sit here and become morose.

Watching the Watchers

Yesterday, I read about the Minutemen Militia organization coming to Houston to witness HPD's hands-off policy regarding immigrants. This organization has decided that they can do a better job than border patrol agents at patrolling the US's border with Mexico. I don't trust the leaders of this organization. They claim to be worried about security and terrorism, but I think they are more worried about the increasing number of Hispanics in the US. I think it's about the majority becoming a minority in this country. I have to admit that all I know about them is from what I've read in the newspapers and seen on the television news. This group just really worries me--any time someone outside the law decides to organize and try to do the job that the law is supposed to do, I get worried. Someone is going to get hurt eventually, and that someone will probably be an innocent person.

The group is now setting it's sites on Houson's day laborers. They are going to videotape the day laborers waiting for people to drive by and hire them. They are also going to videotape the contractors who hire them. All of the day laborers are not illegal immigrants, and I have no idea what percentage are estimated to be illegal. I haven't seen or heard evidence that these people cause any big problems in Houston, so I'm not really concerned about them in a negative way. The police do not ask about their immigration status if/when they speak to the day laborers. They were taking photos of them, but stopped last week when a local immigrant rights organization questioned the use of the photos. All of this photographing and videotaping, got me to thinking about watching and watchers.

Last night on the way downtown to watch the Astros win, I told Valerie that I would like to go take pictures of the militia taking pictures of the day laborers. I thought it would be interesting to watch the watchers. I knew the media would be out watching the watchers, but I still thought it would be interesting to photograph people photographing other people--seems kind of postmodern and interesting to me. Valerie pointed out that I would have to get up very early to go do this. She knows the likelihood of me rising early on a summer day, unless I have no choice, is pretty close to zero. So, sadly, I gave up my idea of watching the watchers.

This morning, I was pleasantly surprised to see this article in the Chronicle: Minutemen headed here warned they, too, will be watched. I don't have to worry about watching the watchers because someone else is going to do it. I really think this idea of watching the watchers is a great idea, and I may have to use it in a story or something at a later date. With all of our concerns about security not likely to lessen in the near future, this idea will be timely for a long time. I'm sure it's not an original idea either, but I can't think of any books or movies that use this idea. If you can think of one, let me know. I would like to check it out.

A Change of Blog Plans

It's funny how life gets in the way of our plans sometimes. I was going to load Palm Pilot software on my laptop tonight, so that I could post a long blog post that I wrote in my Palm Pilot the last day of the Model Schools Conference in Nashville, a week ago. Much of it concerned my continued unhappiness with my job situation, probably very whiny and pathetic in tone. For those three people who read my blog, most of it redundant. I'm sure I will at some point post some of it--the next time I'm feeling sorry for myself and need to wallow in my unhappiness maybe.

For now though, I have to talk about my niece being one of the employees in this jewelry store robbery, Store Employees Bound During Jewelry Store Robbery. When my younger sister called me this afternoon and told me about it, I was calm and seemingly unaffected emotionally. I told Valerie about it, and my voice didn't even crack or anything. My sister had immediately told me that my niece was okay, but that she had been tied up and held at gunpoint during the robbery. Later, I spoke to my sister again, and I was still not really upset about the situation. I was concerned about my niece, of course, but I didn't feel like crying or anything. I didn't even try to call my brother (her father). I just felt like it was over, and I shouldn't make a big deal about it, but, of course, it's a very traumatic thing for my niece to have gone through.

Then about 30 minutes ago, I searched the web for the media outlets in that part of East Texas and found the news story. I decided to email the story to some of my prayerful friends and ask for prayers for my niece. As I was typing the email, tears filled my eyes and washed down my cheeks. Suddenly, I was overcome with relief that she was not hurt physically and shame that I had not called her or my brother. What is wrong with me? I am a horrible sister and aunt these days. Why didn't I call? Selfishness? Fear of crying? Silliness? Probably a combination of all three to be honest. I am selfish, extremely so these days. I do think I might cry if/when I talk to either my niece or my brother, but I'm not sure why I feel that I will cry. I am silly about family situations, especially when it involves illness or hurt. Unfortunately, it's too late to do anything about it tonight. I will call them both tomorrow morning.

Speaking of tomorrow, I have to go to work again tomorrow. I really hate working during my summer vacation, but usually I can feel okay about if I'm getting paid for the work. This summer, however, even getting paid hasn't made me feel okay about working. Today was the first day of two days of curriculum writing for our new advisory period, and it could have been a disaster. Luckily, though, I was able to work with Valerie and Lucy. If I had had to work with either of two particularly irritating co-workers, the Psycho sounds that I heard every time PICW1 spoke today might have manifested themselves into Psycho actions. PICW1 gets on my last nerve. Warning! Tackiness is forthcoming--stop reading if you don't want to witness my cattiness. ICW1 has absolutely no taste in clothes, but she thinks she is so cute--a prime candidate for What Not to Wear. (If I didn't dislike her so much, I might have to try to get her on that show.) The too short pleated black skirt today almost caused audible guffaws, but I found enough will power to restrain myself. I don't know if I have any left for tomorrow's outfit though.

Now I have to go to bed and go to sleep. I hope I don't have nightmares about armed robbers, Psycho, or, even worse, ICW1 and her bad outfits. ;-) Later.

Nashville Notes

I went to Nashville on June 25. I typed this post very early in the morning on 6/27, but I didn't feel it was finished so I never published it. Tonight, I wanted to post something so I thought I would start with this.

Before leaving on the trip, I was really wishing that I wasn't going. It's not a pleasure trip; it's for work, and I just have made it my goal to not work this summer any more than I have to. Of course, a few months ago when I agreed to attend this conference, I thought it might be fun. The last few weeks, though, I have been dreading the trip. One of the things I dreaded most was my roommate, but, to be honest, she has not been as bad as I expected. Anyway when I arrived at the airport and met the others in my group, I became some other version of me. When my roommate got out of the Suburban, she ran over to me and huggedme like were were friends, and I returned the hug in kind. Then she asked if I brought snacks for our room, and I cheesed and asked if she did. When she said no, I said something like, "Well, we will just have to buy some snacks as soon as we get to Nashville." I think I even said this in a rather Southern accents. YUCK! I am ashamed to be able to be that fake. (I was telling Valerie about this and she said that all Texas women have the ability to be this way. Maybe she's right, but I still can't stand the thought of me being so sweetly fake.)

I have never been to Nashville, never desired to come to Music City--it's been a long time since I have voluntarily listened to country music. I did go through my country music loving, two-stepping phase, but that was almost half a life ago. On Saturday afternoon, we took an hour long bus tour of the city. The coolest thing I saw was the Bicentennial Mall Park--not a shopping mall--a beautiful green space. A wall, etched with a timeline of Tennessee historical information, surrounds the inner park, and it is broken or separated only where it documents the secession during the Civil War. One of the strangest things I saw was the life-sized replica of the Parthenon, in another park in Nashville. Apparently, the founders of the city wanted it to be a center for cultural arts and thought the Parthenon replica would symbolize that desire.

Incredible Things Catch-Up

I was supposed to be noting one incredible thing for each day until tomorrow's writing workshop session. So here are 3 more days worth.

Day 3
The clear blue water of the just cleaned swimming pool beckons below my stairs. In the oppressive heat of a Houston summer day, it calls to me, asks me to dive in and revel in the icy blanket as it covers me.

Day 4
Colorful explosions light up the sky. The fireworks race to their zenith then fall away in a cloud of smoke. Like a child, I smile and laugh at the benevolent bombs bursting in air.

Day 5
I'm in Nashville at the Model Schools Conference. Nashville is known as Music City, but I will forever remember Nashville as the home of the incredibly ugly, Bell South "Batman" building that I think is supposed to be a modern gothic style building (I have no idea if this is a real style or not). The building looks like Batman. Click here and see it on the right in the picture. I'm going to get my roommate to take a digital picture of it and upload it here tomorrow.

Extra - The incredibly beautiful thing according to my co-worker Sandra is....drumroll please.....Sandra. She doesn't read my blog but she wanted me to make her the beautiful thing for today. She's a hoot, and I've enjoyed drinking wine with her for the past two days.

A Mad Hot Inspiration & Something Incredible Day 2

I saw Mad Hot Ballroom this afternoon. It is a lovely movie about New York elementary students who participate in a ballroom dancing program and competition. The students were so cute. I think one of the things that I liked the most was their sense of innocence. They were ten-year-olds, and they knew some things about their world, but they still had a sense of innocence about them. My only criticisms of the movie are that I would have liked to have seen at least one dad talk about his view of his child competing in ballroom dancing, and I would have liked more conversation from teachers/principals about the dancers as students outside of the program. I only remember one principal talking about two dancers. Of course, it's apparent which team will win the big trophy before the moment arrives, but I still enjoyed the winners' and their families' and teachers' emotions when their school was announced.

A surprising side-effect of my seeing the movie leads to my incredible thing for the day. One of the teachers in the movie, really inspired me with her beautiful love for her students. She made me feel good about being a teacher, something I haven't felt for a while now. She teaches at a school that has a large Dominican population. Her desire for her students to learn that they can be something and do something was truly beautiful. At one point, she talks about how she wants to get inside all of them to make sure they know that they can become something great. It is apparent that she loves teaching these children. I wish I could be as enthusiastic and boisterous with my students and about my students. Of course, I teach jaded seniors, and I don't think ballroom dancing is the answer for them or me.

Now, it's awfully late, and I have to get some sleep. Later.

Disharmony over eHarmony

For some time now, I have been enamored with those eHarmony.com commercials. A couple of weeks ago, Salon.com ran an article about the founder. The reporter seemed enamored with the founder, but not so much that she wasn't critical in her reporting. She didn't just give him a pass. If she had, she wouldn't be a Salon reporter for long. Anyway, I decided that I would fill out the very long questionnaire to see what kind of matches I would get. I thought it would at the very least be a fun experiment. I wish it had been that. I started the questionnaire last weekend sometime. It really is long and I got bored after a while and saved and exited. I put off finishing it for several days, only doing so after being prompted by 2 reminder emails from eHarmony and my younger sister's curiosity. I decided late last night to finish the questionnaire. By the time I finished and received my results, I wished I had just given up and never finished it.

After spending over an hour, trying to be completely honest, responding to the questions, I received no matches. That's right -- zero. The reply said the eHarmony was unable to match me at this time. Apparently, 20% of the responders are not match-worthy (my word not theirs). I could still look at my profile, which I did. I'm pretty self-aware, though, so there wasn't anything unexpected in my personality profile. As I am typing this, I feel myself dropping into sadness. I am still disconcerted by the absence of matches. I was really shocked late last night when I saw that response. I actually cried and felt lonelier than ever. I really felt pathetic. What kind of person has no matches? It really made me feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. This thought surprised me because I love my solitude. I enjoy being alone very often. I don't mind going out to eat alone or going to the movie/theater alone. Reading is a solitary activity as is writing, and those are two of my favorite things to do.

Most of the time, I do not mind being alone. I have to have my space. I honestly do like my solitude. I have realized that I am selfish and like being able to do what I want when I want and not have to really worry about anyone else wanting to do something else at the same time. It's been over a year now since I have seen or spoken to that asshole Alvin, and I do not miss him at all. I have really been reveling in my aloneness for the last year. However, I do have to admit that lately I have been feeling lonely more than comforted when I'm alone. Perhaps if it weren't summer, I wouldn't be feeling this way so much. I don't have work or my pre-occupation with my unhappiness at work to keep my busy. I'm not sure how I would be feeling if it weren't for Valerie letting me tagalong with her almost everywhere she goes. We hang out almost every day at least for a while. We have lots of fun and spend too much money. I don't think that I want someone to marry. I don't even think I want someone to see every day. I just want someone to go out with and be romanced by on occasion. I really don't know what I want except that I don't want to feel lonely or pathetic.

I am really angry with myself for letting some stupid internet dating service make me feel that way too. I remember from the Salon article that very intelligent women are not going to match 95% of the men or something like that. I hate living in a world where being an intelligent woman is an obstacle to romance. So why did I let the eHarmony results upset me so? Probably the same reason I have fantasies of myself as a thin, pretty woman whom everyone wants to know and love. I'm not naive; I know that being that woman would not necessarily make me happier. Yet, I still want to be her sometimes. As much as I would like to believe otherwise, I think most of us are affected by what the media puts out there as the ideal people. Sad but true. I comfort myself in not desiring to be that ideal to such an extent that I will physically harm myself.

So where does all this leave me? Lonely? Pathetic? Of course not or at least not right now. I'm not going to let some internet dating service founded by some ex-minister from the Christian right make me feel lonely and pathetic for long. Fuck eHarmony! I have some great friends and a not too-dysfunctional family that love me. I am smart, funny, and open-minded. Although I am selfish, I am not a bad person. Damn, is it just me or does this sound like I'm writing a profile for one of those other internet dating services? :-) Anyway, I'm sure I will be fine. Besides I'm not lonely all the time, and I'm not going to worry about it very much until I am lonely all the time.

Something Incredible Day 1

Heading out for my daily walk yesterday morning, I stepped out of my apartment expecting the usual Houston summer heat and humidity. What else would I expect on the first day of summer? Imagine my surprise and delight when I was hit by a cool breeze. Ahhhh!!! As I walked under the canopy of trees that line my route, I would periodically pass through the sheerest of cool walls. Each time I stepped through a cool space, I felt invigorated. Cool breezes on the first day of summer in usually hot Houston, magic! I envied all the kids that I could see playing in the park. They were at the park on the most perfect morning of the summer. How lucky is that!!

Three Random Things

1st Random Thing
Friday, I got a new bookcase, a very much needed second bookcase, and I still don't have enough room for all my books. Valerie says I should take some books to Half-Priced Books and get rid of some of them. I agreed that I might have a few books that I could bear to part with--books that I didn't buy for myself and never intend to read. However, I know how futile this exercise will be. I will sell those and buy some more with the money that I get from them. I just can't stop myself from buying new books. I just can't stop finding new worlds that I want to inhabit. Last week, I went to the Houston Chronicle's Annual Book Sale. I bought 5 or 6 books, one hardback, all brand new, for $9.00. After I bought those books, I told Valerie that I had been toying with the idea of trying to read all of the books that I have purchased and not read yet before I buy another book. I thought that would be a great journey to embark on and write about on my blog. I was really thinking that I would accept this challenge, but now I'm craving a mystery to read. Of course, I could go to the library and check one out, but it's so much more fun to buy my own and take my time reading it. I am the slowest reading English teacher that I know.

2nd Random Thing
Saturday, I finished reading The Namesake by Jhumper Lahiri. During Thanksgiving holidays, I had devoured her Pulitzer Prize winning book of short stories, The Interpreter of Maladies. I usually don't like books of short stories that much, but I loved hers. I like her style, which is not extremely unique, but she always seems to choose just the right words. Her writing is not flowery or complicated. She just tells these wonderful stories about the clash of traditional Bengali culture and contemporary American culture. She has a way of getting the reader to sympathize with even her most unlikable characters. I am adding her to my favorite authors list.

3rd Random Thing
I am taking a fiction writing workshop this summer. It is my third writing workshop, and I am really enjoying this one. Each week, we do writing exercises that really challenge me to be creative. I've never really tried to write fiction so I need to be challenged. Today, I spent quite a while working on my story, which is not due for several weeks. In the past two workshops, poetry and personal essay, I have been true to my procrastinating self and waited until almost the last minute to do write my submissions. However, I have decided that I need to put more time into the short story so I won't be so ashamed of what I hand in. I want to write something that I know I have worked on and can be proud of whether others like what I have or not. Enough about that, tonight the instructor gave us a cool homework assignment. We are supposed to get in the habit of noticing the details in the world around us. For the next week, we are supposed to write down one incredible thing we observe each day. The thing can be incredibly beautiful or incredibly horrible; it must be incredible in some way. I plan to post my observations for the next week since I won't be able to share them in class next week. (I'm going out of town.) Therefore, I will share them with the two people who purposely read my blog and anyone else who hapens upon it.

Peace and Quiet

All this week, workmen have been changing out the railing at my apartment complex. All day, everyday, I have been serenaded by the sound of cutting metal, soldering metal, and just plain loud clanking. This morning, no serenade -- in addition, no tv, no music, no people out and about. All I've heard is the sound of my a/c and the clicking of my keyboard. Ahhhh! It's really nice to have this quiet today. I have been sitting in my big comfy chair, drinking coffee, surfing the internet, and chatting, for a while, with one of my two readers.

However, the longer I sit here, the hungrier I get--wouldn't want to break the silence by cooking something, you know banging pans, sizzling bacon, buzzing timers. I am craving an omelet, which I could cook for myself though I never have, but that would mean having to clean up later, and I'm too lazy. I wish the maintenance man would hurry up and come look at my dishwasher, then I would be free to go eat breakfast--no clean-up required then. :-) Alas, he said he would be here by noon, which probably means at noon. So by the time he leaves, it will be too late for breakfast. :-(

So I guess, I will just sit here and continue to enjoy the peace and quiet for a while longer.

Missing Mom

This morning, I drove to East Texas to attend my niece's bridal shower this afternoon. It was a nice, but rather disorganized, affair. At all the other bridal showers that I have ever been to, everyone in attendance watched the bride-to-be open her presents and oohed and ahhed at each one. This setup gave the bride-to-be a chance to personally thank each person for the gift. Today, while she was opening her gifts, a group of us were watching and oohing and ahhing, but all over the house were small groups of women, just chatting with each other and totally ignoring the proceedings. I just thought it was weird, and my brother's sister-in-law thought it was weird too. Maybe my niece isn't outspoken enough to demand everyone's attention, and she certainly didn't seem a bit bothered by the lack of attention. She was having a great time opening all those gifts. I think her older sister was having as much fun helping her. Her older sister didn't have the big wedding with a big bridal shower, at least I don't remember a bridal shower. She and her husband got married with only their parents present then had a big party afterward. It was a really nice, big party, but I'm sure she feels now like she's experiencing some of what she missed. It was a really sweet thing to watch though.

While I was there, another niece, one who is very good friends with the bride-to-be niece, told me that the bride-to-be niece was in tears earlier in the day because her grandmom, my mother, isn't alive to see her get married. My mom had such a great love for her 7 grandchildren, especially with the five girls. The bride-to-be was named after Mom, and I didn't realize until my mom passed away that the two of them were so close. Apparently the bride-to-be would often use my mom as a sounding board and a venting place when she had her frequent fights with her parents. I'm sure Mom always knew the right thing to say to make her feel better.

So on the drive home--3 hours--I was missing Mom, something I haven't been doing lately. While I was at my sister's house before and after the shower, I looked at some photos of Mom and me in France, someone had found them in a box yesterday. In two of the pictures we are on the middle level of the Eiffel Tower, and you can actually see my mom's fear of heights in the pictures. I remember telling her that she didn't have to go up (we had not gone to the top of a mountain in Switzerland because of her fear and my lack of funds for the extra excursion). She could have gone to a cafe with my friend Lois, the trip organizer, another group member, and the tour director, but she insisted on going up. Once we got up to the second level, she was okay for about five minutes, long enough for us to take a few pictures. She was like a scared little kid; it was really quite cute. She stood behind me and hid her eyes in my back in the elevator on the way up and on the way down. I think she held onto my jacket all the time we walked around the platform, even when we went into the gift shop on that level. When we got to the bottom again, she was all smiles, but she had really been afraid. Her smiles in the photos were really grimaces of fear. I wish I had a scanner, so I could put one of the photos with this post.

While I was missing Mom during the drive home, I started thinking about how comforted I was knowing that when she died, she was going to heaven. When I first went into her ICU room, I had a feeling that only a miracle would save her. When I left that room, all I could think about was calling my co-worker and friend Laura to get the praying started. (Laura is a true prayer warrior.) As I was recalling this, I realized that for the last year, I had not been praying much at all. I have been struggling with my faith and spirituality for the last year. I really chafe at the intolerance and ultra-conservatism in my old Baptist religion. I have been going to a Unitarian Universalist church for over a year now. I love the open-mindedness of the people in this church. However, I haven't quite figured out how to have my own faith/spirituality that includes praying/meditating on a regular basis but precludes all the intolerance and close-mindedness. So now, when I pray, I feel like I'm just covering all my bases, not praying from the heart. Maybe I should just stop praying and begin meditating. I don't know, but I do know that when a miracle is needed, I will always turn to my friend Laura. Even when the miracle doesn't happen, like in my mom's case, I am comforted by the faithfulness of Laura and her prayer warrior friends/family.

So now, it's very late and I need to go to bed.

A Question

I have spent the evening celebrating the birthday of one of my best friends and one of my two readers. I'm not sure she saw it as celebrating. She's much younger, and I'm sure she would have rather been doing more than eating dinner, watching movies, and drinking wine. Well, I'm sure she didn't mind the drinking wine part though. I hope she had a decent time anyway.

I was about to go to bed--I've been having insomnia and need to try to sleep rather than sitting up half the night on the computer and watching TV--but I had this question bearing on my mind. Do you think people can live happily without expectations? I would like to live without expectations. I would like to have no expectations of others and for them to have no expectations of me. Without expectations, I could make the other person happy when I did anything (nothing would be expected), and without expectations, I would never disappoint anyone (again, nothing would be expected). Maybe I have had too much wine, but this seems like a great way to live. I'm sure there are some negatives to this, but right now, I can't think of any.

Now I am going to bed. I must sleep tonight.

PS: Happy Birthday, Valerie!!!!

Some bad and some good feelings

I started this post on Thursday, 6/2 at 11:35a.m.
I am really struggling with my disenchantment with my job. I can't stop thinking about how much I do not want to go back to Bport HS in the fall. If I have to go back there, I just want to be a teacher and nothing more. I want to cut all my ties to the school and district this summer. I do not want to participate in anything extra--no committees, no favors, no writing curriculum, not even for advisory period, no summer workshops, no teaching tech workshops. Valerie says I can't resign from the Smaller Learning Communities Committee and not write advisory period curriculum this summer because I was instrumental (my word and maybe just a bit exaggerated and arrogant) in making the advisory period happen for next school year. But I really don't want to be involved at all. However, I really don't want to be involved any longer. I can't get out of going to the Model Schools Conference as long as I am employed by the district because plane tickets and hotel rooms have been bought in my name already.

I had added to this this morning (6/5) before getting ready for church. However, I hit some combination of keys and lost what I had added. It's probably just as well because it was just more of the same--depression, disenchantment, dissatisfaction.

Today, the church service was planned and conducted by the older youth. Their theme was "A World Community" and the service featured some of the foreign exchange students who have been attending the church this school year. It was a really nice service; it ended with everyone singing John Lennon's "Imagine"--something that would be very unlikely to happen in the churches I grew up in and attended until last spring when I visited this UU church for the first time. The service really left me feeling good. I'm so glad I went this morning. I needed to feel good. Afterward, I took myself to lunch at Cafe Adobe--they have the best seafood enchiladas!!! I took my current book, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, of course, and did do some reading, but, perhaps, more importantly, I had a great view of the tv, which was showing the Astros game. It started bad--3 runs scored against Clemens in the first inning--but the 'stros were leading 5-3 when I left. Valerie and I should have gone to this game! It's 6-4 now, and "Lights Out" Lidge is in to win the game. Woohoo! Go Astros!

I just got home from doing some mostly browsing--I actually resisted buying books at three different bookstores. However, I did buy a new cd, but it was only $9.99 at Target, so I don't feel too bad. I'm listening to it now, and I think I made a good choice--Anna Nalick, Wreck of the Day.

While I was out running around this afternoon, I realized that I am one week into my summer of discontent. Normally, I would be completely relaxed by now, but my neck and shoulders are tense. I can't seem to get comfortable whether awake or sleeping. I haven't slept well lately. Two nights before last, I hardly slept at all. Last night was better, but I still didn't sleep well. I don't know what the problem is except my unhappiness over my job. I do know that I can't possibly spend the whole summer feeling this way. I am going to start tomorrow getting up every morning and going for a walk. I used to walk at least a mile every day, but I haven't done that now for several years. When I did walk regularly, I felt better physically and mentally. I'm hoping the same will happen now. Maybe I will figure out how to be happy again. I don't like being unhappy, but I can't seem to stop it. But for now, I am at least glad that the Astros won one of three from the Cardinals this weekend. Now, if they can just keep the hits coming.

I guess I've bored my two readers long enough. I think I will finish The Heart is a Lonely Hunter and maybe take a nap. Later.

Summer Vacation Begins

Today is the first real day of my summer vacation. On Saturday, I had to travel to Jacksonville, a small town in East Texas, to celebrate my niece's graduation from high school. I really wasn't in the mood for a celebration, so it wasn't like the beginning of summer at all. Yesterday, during the drive home, I was angry with myself for being so pessimistic of late (losing out on the Academic Associate job really has me down); maybe I've been that pessimistic for the whole school year. I used to be more of an optimist, but I can hardly even muster enthusiasm for any thing of late. However, I am quietly excited about the fiction writing workshop that I will start on Monday.

I truly hate the thought of teaching for another year (I feel pretty desperate about it and that scares me), but I must admit that I haven't done much to prevent that from happening. So I have to work this summer to get myself in a position to have some choices next year. I have decided that I can get up every morning and go for a walk at 7:00a.m. (yes, I know it's summer, but any later will be too hot), then come back shower and work on my master's thesis for at least an hour. How embarrassing to have still not finished this after all these years!--yes, too many years to admit. I haven't talked about working on this because in the past all I have done is talk. IF I can acquire these two habits, I think my summer will be both enjoyable and productive. Of course, I will also be reading as much as possible. I have, as usual, a huge stack of "To Read" books. I just finished Margaret Atwood's Surfacing on Saturday (I'm going to have to read some lit. crit. about this novel because I'm not sure I got it) and am now reading Jonathan Franzen's How to be Alone, a book of essays. I plan to start another novel today, perhaps Jumpher Lahiri's The Namesake. I wish I could find a job where I would be paid to read books--that would be my paradise.

Okay, now I need to do some housekeeping, which I have been putting off until summer began and today is the day. Later.

I lost again!

For the fourth time in two years, I have lost out on something that I have applied for. Yesterday, I learned that I did not get the position of Academic Associate. I lost out on this job not because I couldn't do the job, but because if I got the job, the principal feared that another teacher, who had also interviewed for it, might leave. The other teacher lost out on the job because of the same fear in my direction. I was very angry, disappointed, and sad about it yesterday. I have a bad feeling about having to teach for another year--I feel like I will not survive the year. I'm not being melodramatic; I really feel this way. I've felt this way for a while now--hopeless and helpless. Nothing will change, and I have no power to effect change. The school system I work in is oppressive and disheartening and permanent.

I thought I would feel less angry, less sad this morning, but I feel worse. I just can't believe that I didn't get that job, especially when everyone that knows me on my campus and in the district knows I can do that job and do it well. I'm sure that most of them expected me to get the job too. I can't believe the principal would pick someone who doesn't work on our campus already, doesn't know the community, the students, or the faculty. To me, and to others, he has shown that he doesn't really care about the students or the faculty. If he had just given the job to one of our faculty member, I think he would had gone a long way toward cultivating a positive relationship with the faculty.

Unfortunately, I can't walk away from my job, which is all it will be now. Just a job--no passion, no life--how sad to even say that. I am going to resign from every committee that I am a member of. I start to work at 7:45 and stop working at 3:45. I will not do anything extra for teachers, staff, or students. I will not participate in anything extra except as required to get my comp hours and my gt hours. I can't participate in something that I don't believe in anymore.

The saddest part of all this is that absolutely no one except me will tell the principal that he made a wrong decision, whether it be about this position or anything else he decides. Our faculty has no voice! They are sheep, shepherded by the principal and administration. They will complain and commiserate, but no one will do anything about it. They will defend their individual positions on certain issues, but never speak out as a group in a powerful and meaningful way. They will bring issues, anonymously, to the Campus Improvement Team, which, if this year is any indication, means nothing any more. And now, I have to get ready to join the herd.

A Good Morning

Today is going to be a good day.
I will start packing up my classroom today. Really!
I will meet with the principal about a movie that my co-worker and I have been showing for years. I will present my case, but be contrite--I will not blow my chances at getting the Academic Associate position. He said he was going to make a decision by Friday. I can't let some parent complaint about this movie ruin my chances at that position. As soon as I saw the principal's email last evening, I knew that I should have decided not to show that movie.
Today is going to be a good day. Really!

Mad Monday Morning

I hate it when I wake up in a bad mood. This morning, I woke up hating my job again, hitting snooze until I just had to get up, trying to figure out some sub plans so I could stay home. Nothing really unusual in this except there is only two weeks left until summer vacation begins. In the meantime, though, I have to pack up my whole room so my stuff can be stored for the summer while our old building is being demolished and the new building is completed. I haven't even begun to pack, and I didn't finish grading papers this weekend. I'm sure my bad mood is the result of these two stresses, and the fact that I'm still waiting to hear about the Academic Associate position. The principal said last Monday that he planned to act quickly--I really thought that I would hear something by Friday. Maybe I will hear something today. Now, I better get ready for the job that I loathe.

Feeling Defeated

Yesterday, I interviewed for the position of Academic Associate at my campus. I felt more confident than I have ever felt during an interview. When I left the interview, I felt really positive. I knew I had been articulate and smart. I knew I was qualified for most of the job responsibilities and that I could learn the ones I don't know. The principal said he planned to act quickly, but the decision is a joint one--him, the three counselors, & the current AA--I have no idea what he meant by quickly either. I really felt good about my chances yesterday, but tonight, I feel defeated. I felt this way about the grant application to go to Ireland (see my "In Limbo" post, March 21, 2005). I know it's silly, but I really wanted to know today. It's even more silly since the principal wasn't in for most of the day. I still feel defeated though. After almost a whole school year with this new principal, I still don't know where I stand with him. I don't like not knowing.

I am worried, too, about how I will react if I don't get the position. I know I will survive, but I'm not sure how or in what condition. I am so unhappy as a teacher these days. Even when I somehow get my students excited about something in the classroom, like my sophomores today, I can't even feel completely good about it. There's always something dark, lurking. I can't seem to move away from the edge of sadness for long periods of time. Luckily, I haven't gone over the edge, and I don't want to, but I do worry that losing the fourth thing that I have applied for in about a year & a half might push me over.

Damn! It's midnight already. Later.

I hate my job.

If you are one of the two people who read this blog regularly, you can stop reading now. I have said this all before.

I hate my job.
I hate the thought of having to get up in the morning and go to work.
I hate Sunday nights because they have to end, and when they do, Monday must follow. I have to work on Monday.

Sometimes, I really think I would rather die than have to go to my job for one more minute. Too melodramatic? Probably, but I do find myself thinking that sometimes.

During the week, I actually had several things that I wanted to blog about this weekend. I had internet problems this week and wasn't able to be on the computer as much as usual for half the week. I thought I would post a few things tonight. I thought I might blog about all the libraries in our school district being closed for the entire month of May so librarians can do an inventory, which was made necessary by a loss of data in a system that wasn't backed up. Stupid public school district can track where I go on the internet, but can't back up important data. I also planned to post another Devil's Bitch story. Another post I had planned was one describing the murder of my love for teaching.

I thought I would write about at least one of these, but with Sunday rapidly drawing to a close, all I can think about now is how much I hate being a teacher these days. It's really sad because I used to love being a teacher. I have to stop feeling this way.