Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Feeling Defeated

Yesterday, I interviewed for the position of Academic Associate at my campus. I felt more confident than I have ever felt during an interview. When I left the interview, I felt really positive. I knew I had been articulate and smart. I knew I was qualified for most of the job responsibilities and that I could learn the ones I don't know. The principal said he planned to act quickly, but the decision is a joint one--him, the three counselors, & the current AA--I have no idea what he meant by quickly either. I really felt good about my chances yesterday, but tonight, I feel defeated. I felt this way about the grant application to go to Ireland (see my "In Limbo" post, March 21, 2005). I know it's silly, but I really wanted to know today. It's even more silly since the principal wasn't in for most of the day. I still feel defeated though. After almost a whole school year with this new principal, I still don't know where I stand with him. I don't like not knowing.

I am worried, too, about how I will react if I don't get the position. I know I will survive, but I'm not sure how or in what condition. I am so unhappy as a teacher these days. Even when I somehow get my students excited about something in the classroom, like my sophomores today, I can't even feel completely good about it. There's always something dark, lurking. I can't seem to move away from the edge of sadness for long periods of time. Luckily, I haven't gone over the edge, and I don't want to, but I do worry that losing the fourth thing that I have applied for in about a year & a half might push me over.

Damn! It's midnight already. Later.


Peace Be, Clint-Michael ... said...

Does the AA position mean u will no longer be in the classroom teaching? Good luck, babe.

Kim said...

Yes, the position will mean getting out of the classroom completely. I will not miss teaching anything except my Advanced Placement Literature class. When I first approached the principal about the job, I asked if I could keep that one class & be the Academic Associate. He said he didn't think I would be able to do justice to the class and have that position. After the interview, where the job was explained in detail by the current AA, I decided that he is probably right. Thanks for the wishes of luck. I just wish the principal would tell me something soon.