For the fourth time in two years, I have lost out on something that I have applied for. Yesterday, I learned that I did not get the position of Academic Associate. I lost out on this job not because I couldn't do the job, but because if I got the job, the principal feared that another teacher, who had also interviewed for it, might leave. The other teacher lost out on the job because of the same fear in my direction. I was very angry, disappointed, and sad about it yesterday. I have a bad feeling about having to teach for another year--I feel like I will not survive the year. I'm not being melodramatic; I really feel this way. I've felt this way for a while now--hopeless and helpless. Nothing will change, and I have no power to effect change. The school system I work in is oppressive and disheartening and permanent.
I thought I would feel less angry, less sad this morning, but I feel worse. I just can't believe that I didn't get that job, especially when everyone that knows me on my campus and in the district knows I can do that job and do it well. I'm sure that most of them expected me to get the job too. I can't believe the principal would pick someone who doesn't work on our campus already, doesn't know the community, the students, or the faculty. To me, and to others, he has shown that he doesn't really care about the students or the faculty. If he had just given the job to one of our faculty member, I think he would had gone a long way toward cultivating a positive relationship with the faculty.
Unfortunately, I can't walk away from my job, which is all it will be now. Just a job--no passion, no life--how sad to even say that. I am going to resign from every committee that I am a member of. I start to work at 7:45 and stop working at 3:45. I will not do anything extra for teachers, staff, or students. I will not participate in anything extra except as required to get my comp hours and my gt hours. I can't participate in something that I don't believe in anymore.
The saddest part of all this is that absolutely no one except me will tell the principal that he made a wrong decision, whether it be about this position or anything else he decides. Our faculty has no voice! They are sheep, shepherded by the principal and administration. They will complain and commiserate, but no one will do anything about it. They will defend their individual positions on certain issues, but never speak out as a group in a powerful and meaningful way. They will bring issues, anonymously, to the Campus Improvement Team, which, if this year is any indication, means nothing any more. And now, I have to get ready to join the herd.