This morning, I emailed my letter of interest and resume for the position of Academic Associate at my campus. As soon as I hit send, I began to come up with reasons why I didn't want the job, why I should stay in the classroom. Later, when I was irritated by stupid coaches who won't program their print jobs while someone else's jobs are printing, I had plenty of reasons why I should never return to Bport HS after this school year is over. At lunch a co-worker stopped me in the hallway and told me good luck & that she thought I would be good at that job because I already do some similar things since I teach Senior English. I don't know why, but her saying that made me feel less doubtful about the possibility of enjoying the job, if I get it. The job is not a sure thing. I know at least one other person is interested, but I don't know who it is.
My friend Clint-Michael suggested that I look into jobs at universities in the areas of student affairs/dean of students/multi-cultural affairs/alcohol & drug resource/residence life/ etc. I had never even thought about jobs like this. I'm not sure that I have an interest in all of these areas, but I did look at UH and UH Clear Lake tonight. There were a couple of possibilities at UH, but the only thing that interested me at UHCL was an assistant/associate librarian position, which I am not at all qualified for.
I keep coming back to the idea of being a librarian. (I've tried not to show it, but I am still so disappointed that I didn't get a chance to apply for that middle school librarian job. Disappointment seems to be my theme this school year.) I think I'm going to have to pursue a Master of Library Science, but I must finish my Masters of Literature first. Well, I say I must; I've been saying that I must for years now. Maybe it's time to let go of that idea. My friends keep encouraging me to not let it go, but maybe it's not the right thing for me anymore. I'm not sure I care enough about the topic anymore to finish it. Of course, I could just be making excuses so I don't have to do the work involved. I used to think I was just a bad procrastinator, but now I think I might just be lazy. Or afraid. Maybe fear is what has trapped me into staying a high school teacher for so long. I've already proven myself as a high school English teacher, and maybe I'm afraid I won't measure up as something else. Fear can be paralyzing--trite, but true.
Enough about my job woes. Last night, I didn't go to bed until 1:30a.m. I read the first chapter of Ann Patchett's Truth and Beauty, a biography of her friendship with another writer, Lucy Grealey. And I read the introduction and first essay in Camille Paglia's new book, Break! Blow! Burn!, her analysis of 43 great poems--the good thing about this book is I can read one of her essays here and there. AND I read a chapter of The Russian Debutante's Handbook, which I am over half finished with. I have to finish The Russian Debutante's Handbook by the end of this weekend. I can't wait to read the rest of Truth and Beauty and so many other books on my "To Read" stack--it is tall and getting taller. I really just want a new job with little or no homework so I can read for pleasure all the time and not feel guilty about it. Since I stayed up so late last night, I will go to bed early and read a bit of RDH only. Later.