Sunday, April 10, 2005

Not a good feeling

Today as I was grading papers, I became angry and depressed. I became so angry & depressed that I almost started crying and had to stop grading. I really do HATE my job. I just can't bear the thought of continuing in it. I would like to never go back, never set foot in the place again, starting tomorrow. I have to sign my contract for next year & turn it in by Friday, but I would love to be able to not sign it. However, I have no prospects so no choice but to sign.

I have been saying that I hate my job since last spring, and I'm not sure how seriously my friends and co-workers take me. I am serious though. Today, I had the idea that it would be better to be dead than have to continue in this job for one more minute. Of course, I am not going to kill myself, but I may commit professional suicide if I don't find a way out of teaching before next school year begins. I am seriously considering resigning from every committee that I am on & not teaching even the 2 tech workshops I am supposed to teach this summer. I am supposed to go to Nashville to a Model Schools Conference, and I will likely tell the principal by the end of the month to find someone else.

The problem with quitting teaching is that I really have nothing else to do. I really don't even know where to start looking for a different kind of job. The only other thing that I think I would like to do is be a librarian. Of course, I need a degree for that. I would love to be able to stop working & go back to school, but financially, I don't think that will ever be possible. So what kind of job can I get? All the jobs involving writing want people with experience & aren't likely to take a chance on a 41-year-old woman with no experience, no matter how good her skills might be. Even if I finish my thesis, I really don't think I will find any other opportunities besides teaching. I would like something with less stress, but I'm not naive. I know all jobs have stress of some kind. I just don't know where to even begin looking.

Valerie told me to just keep thinking that it's almost summer and that I could take off every now and then. The problem is that I'm beginning to truly not be able to even pretend at work anymore. Friday I was in the worst mood. I hated all my students & many of my co-workers. I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. I really feel like I'm going to curse someone out before the school year is over or do something equally as detrimental to my future.

I feel hopeless and sad. I feel forever trapped.

4 comments:

Peace Be, Clint-Michael ... said...

Ok Kim, let's put on our thinking caps... here are some of the ideas I've come up with. You are working on your Masters so... why not look at the HR websites for various universities... UofH, etc. and see what positions they have in lets say the areas of student affairs/dean of students/multi-cultural affairs/alcohol & drug resource/residence life/ etc. therefore you aren't teaching and can certainly work at one of these posts. you're dealing with college students and in a very different environment/setting. Also, another route would be to contact newspapers... see about reporting/writing. ??? but i could ideally see you working in a multi-cultural student affairs office at a uni. i am v. good friends with the vice-pres at texas state univ. and see directly oversees multi-cultural offices, would u like me to ask if she has anything going? check out www.txstate.edu and see what is going... just some ideas. love you.. hang in thre. oh, and my mom feels the same damn way. she hates her job, she hates teachign and she doesn't want to be in the classroom at all anymore but she doesn't know what else to do...

Kim said...

I hadn't thought about looking for those kinds of jobs. I will definitely check out some university sites. Thanks for the idea. I am applying for the Academic Associate job and will probably take it if it's offered. Although for a couple of days last week, I was trying to talk myself out of leaving the classroom. Go figure!

Hippo said...

You could be a bartender. Good bartenders can tell good stories, have good interpersonal skills and they need to be able to read people in order to shut them off should they drink to much. If you become a bartender, say, in Key West you will find a lot of material to assist you in a writing a book. Become a mixologist today!

Dr. H.O. Potamus

Kim said...

I actually heard an ad for bartending school and thought for a split second that I might like that job. The problem is the cut in pay would be too much, and I can't stand to be around drunks. So the book, for now, is lost.