Today as I was grading papers, I became angry and depressed. I became so angry & depressed that I almost started crying and had to stop grading. I really do HATE my job. I just can't bear the thought of continuing in it. I would like to never go back, never set foot in the place again, starting tomorrow. I have to sign my contract for next year & turn it in by Friday, but I would love to be able to not sign it. However, I have no prospects so no choice but to sign.
I have been saying that I hate my job since last spring, and I'm not sure how seriously my friends and co-workers take me. I am serious though. Today, I had the idea that it would be better to be dead than have to continue in this job for one more minute. Of course, I am not going to kill myself, but I may commit professional suicide if I don't find a way out of teaching before next school year begins. I am seriously considering resigning from every committee that I am on & not teaching even the 2 tech workshops I am supposed to teach this summer. I am supposed to go to Nashville to a Model Schools Conference, and I will likely tell the principal by the end of the month to find someone else.
The problem with quitting teaching is that I really have nothing else to do. I really don't even know where to start looking for a different kind of job. The only other thing that I think I would like to do is be a librarian. Of course, I need a degree for that. I would love to be able to stop working & go back to school, but financially, I don't think that will ever be possible. So what kind of job can I get? All the jobs involving writing want people with experience & aren't likely to take a chance on a 41-year-old woman with no experience, no matter how good her skills might be. Even if I finish my thesis, I really don't think I will find any other opportunities besides teaching. I would like something with less stress, but I'm not naive. I know all jobs have stress of some kind. I just don't know where to even begin looking.
Valerie told me to just keep thinking that it's almost summer and that I could take off every now and then. The problem is that I'm beginning to truly not be able to even pretend at work anymore. Friday I was in the worst mood. I hated all my students & many of my co-workers. I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. I really feel like I'm going to curse someone out before the school year is over or do something equally as detrimental to my future.
I feel hopeless and sad. I feel forever trapped.