For some time now, I have been enamored with those eHarmony.com commercials. A couple of weeks ago, Salon.com ran an article about the founder. The reporter seemed enamored with the founder, but not so much that she wasn't critical in her reporting. She didn't just give him a pass. If she had, she wouldn't be a Salon reporter for long. Anyway, I decided that I would fill out the very long questionnaire to see what kind of matches I would get. I thought it would at the very least be a fun experiment. I wish it had been that. I started the questionnaire last weekend sometime. It really is long and I got bored after a while and saved and exited. I put off finishing it for several days, only doing so after being prompted by 2 reminder emails from eHarmony and my younger sister's curiosity. I decided late last night to finish the questionnaire. By the time I finished and received my results, I wished I had just given up and never finished it.
After spending over an hour, trying to be completely honest, responding to the questions, I received no matches. That's right -- zero. The reply said the eHarmony was unable to match me at this time. Apparently, 20% of the responders are not match-worthy (my word not theirs). I could still look at my profile, which I did. I'm pretty self-aware, though, so there wasn't anything unexpected in my personality profile. As I am typing this, I feel myself dropping into sadness. I am still disconcerted by the absence of matches. I was really shocked late last night when I saw that response. I actually cried and felt lonelier than ever. I really felt pathetic. What kind of person has no matches? It really made me feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life. This thought surprised me because I love my solitude. I enjoy being alone very often. I don't mind going out to eat alone or going to the movie/theater alone. Reading is a solitary activity as is writing, and those are two of my favorite things to do.
Most of the time, I do not mind being alone. I have to have my space. I honestly do like my solitude. I have realized that I am selfish and like being able to do what I want when I want and not have to really worry about anyone else wanting to do something else at the same time. It's been over a year now since I have seen or spoken to that asshole Alvin, and I do not miss him at all. I have really been reveling in my aloneness for the last year. However, I do have to admit that lately I have been feeling lonely more than comforted when I'm alone. Perhaps if it weren't summer, I wouldn't be feeling this way so much. I don't have work or my pre-occupation with my unhappiness at work to keep my busy. I'm not sure how I would be feeling if it weren't for Valerie letting me tagalong with her almost everywhere she goes. We hang out almost every day at least for a while. We have lots of fun and spend too much money. I don't think that I want someone to marry. I don't even think I want someone to see every day. I just want someone to go out with and be romanced by on occasion. I really don't know what I want except that I don't want to feel lonely or pathetic.
I am really angry with myself for letting some stupid internet dating service make me feel that way too. I remember from the Salon article that very intelligent women are not going to match 95% of the men or something like that. I hate living in a world where being an intelligent woman is an obstacle to romance. So why did I let the eHarmony results upset me so? Probably the same reason I have fantasies of myself as a thin, pretty woman whom everyone wants to know and love. I'm not naive; I know that being that woman would not necessarily make me happier. Yet, I still want to be her sometimes. As much as I would like to believe otherwise, I think most of us are affected by what the media puts out there as the ideal people. Sad but true. I comfort myself in not desiring to be that ideal to such an extent that I will physically harm myself.
So where does all this leave me? Lonely? Pathetic? Of course not or at least not right now. I'm not going to let some internet dating service founded by some ex-minister from the Christian right make me feel lonely and pathetic for long. Fuck eHarmony! I have some great friends and a not too-dysfunctional family that love me. I am smart, funny, and open-minded. Although I am selfish, I am not a bad person. Damn, is it just me or does this sound like I'm writing a profile for one of those other internet dating services? :-) Anyway, I'm sure I will be fine. Besides I'm not lonely all the time, and I'm not going to worry about it very much until I am lonely all the time.