Sunday, June 05, 2005

Some bad and some good feelings

I started this post on Thursday, 6/2 at 11:35a.m.
I am really struggling with my disenchantment with my job. I can't stop thinking about how much I do not want to go back to Bport HS in the fall. If I have to go back there, I just want to be a teacher and nothing more. I want to cut all my ties to the school and district this summer. I do not want to participate in anything extra--no committees, no favors, no writing curriculum, not even for advisory period, no summer workshops, no teaching tech workshops. Valerie says I can't resign from the Smaller Learning Communities Committee and not write advisory period curriculum this summer because I was instrumental (my word and maybe just a bit exaggerated and arrogant) in making the advisory period happen for next school year. But I really don't want to be involved at all. However, I really don't want to be involved any longer. I can't get out of going to the Model Schools Conference as long as I am employed by the district because plane tickets and hotel rooms have been bought in my name already.

I had added to this this morning (6/5) before getting ready for church. However, I hit some combination of keys and lost what I had added. It's probably just as well because it was just more of the same--depression, disenchantment, dissatisfaction.

Today, the church service was planned and conducted by the older youth. Their theme was "A World Community" and the service featured some of the foreign exchange students who have been attending the church this school year. It was a really nice service; it ended with everyone singing John Lennon's "Imagine"--something that would be very unlikely to happen in the churches I grew up in and attended until last spring when I visited this UU church for the first time. The service really left me feeling good. I'm so glad I went this morning. I needed to feel good. Afterward, I took myself to lunch at Cafe Adobe--they have the best seafood enchiladas!!! I took my current book, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, of course, and did do some reading, but, perhaps, more importantly, I had a great view of the tv, which was showing the Astros game. It started bad--3 runs scored against Clemens in the first inning--but the 'stros were leading 5-3 when I left. Valerie and I should have gone to this game! It's 6-4 now, and "Lights Out" Lidge is in to win the game. Woohoo! Go Astros!

I just got home from doing some mostly browsing--I actually resisted buying books at three different bookstores. However, I did buy a new cd, but it was only $9.99 at Target, so I don't feel too bad. I'm listening to it now, and I think I made a good choice--Anna Nalick, Wreck of the Day.

While I was out running around this afternoon, I realized that I am one week into my summer of discontent. Normally, I would be completely relaxed by now, but my neck and shoulders are tense. I can't seem to get comfortable whether awake or sleeping. I haven't slept well lately. Two nights before last, I hardly slept at all. Last night was better, but I still didn't sleep well. I don't know what the problem is except my unhappiness over my job. I do know that I can't possibly spend the whole summer feeling this way. I am going to start tomorrow getting up every morning and going for a walk. I used to walk at least a mile every day, but I haven't done that now for several years. When I did walk regularly, I felt better physically and mentally. I'm hoping the same will happen now. Maybe I will figure out how to be happy again. I don't like being unhappy, but I can't seem to stop it. But for now, I am at least glad that the Astros won one of three from the Cardinals this weekend. Now, if they can just keep the hits coming.

I guess I've bored my two readers long enough. I think I will finish The Heart is a Lonely Hunter and maybe take a nap. Later.


Valerie said...

You haven't bored this reader, you are instrumental in the SLC and advisory period, and I will do my best to be sure this isn't your "summer of discontent." :(

Peace Be, Clint-Michael ... said...

Hey u... I have a really smartass comment I wrote to you from my message on my blog that you left but for some reason it was returned to me... so yes, you are truly a smartass and as soon as i overcome my tech difficulties... I will reply to you... so beware! :)