Monday, March 21, 2005
I hate waiting, especially when I'm waiting to see if I've been selected for something. I applied for a National Endowment for the Humanities summer seminar grant. Applications had to be postmarked by March 1 and the winners will be notified by April 1. I realize that April 1 is still 10 days away, but my feelings of anxiety are increasing. I check my work email obsessively when I'm at home. When I'm at work, I get preposterously anxious everytime I see "You've got new email" on my screen. I keep telling myself not to be discouraged, but I am. I guess I had some kind of romantic idea that the seminar director would read my application essay and my 2 recommendations and immediately decide that I was in. He would be so excited that he would notify me immediately. Of course, as an adult, I know this is how things work. So I will spend the next 10 days losing hope minute by minute. I will try to think positively, but I won't do it. I will talk positively to others, put on a brave face, but inside, I will be thinking about how my essay could have and should have been better. I will be thinking about how I'm never going to get anywhere until I finish my master's thesis, which I am beginning to believe will be never. So I will be STUCK teaching forever. I will get more and more depressed, and I will beging planning for my public reaction to not getting the grant. I know my private reaction will include lots of tears and self-talks of how inadequate I am, how I could have and should have done better. But now, I must continue to wait. Actually now, I must get ready for the job I hate. Being in limbo sucks!!! Win or lose, I want to know NOW!