A summer Sunday night in April

Right now, I should be in bed asleep, having read myself to sleep. But I'm having a summer Sunday night. This evening, I had a nice dinner with my friend Valerie, then we played a game of Trivial Pursuit (I won :-) while we watched some mindless television. During the game, I got this feeling that today was a summer Sunday and that I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. Of course, I know that I have five more weeks before I can have a summer Sunday, but I'm still feeling that way. I feel like I can stay up late & sleep late. Too bad it's an illusion or a delusion rather. It has been a beautiful weekend in Houston, and I don't want it to end. I will have to face reality when my alarm goes off in the morning. I will be so glad when this school year is over. I just wish it would be my last one.

I finished reading The Russian Debutante's Handbook today. Parts of it were very funny, but it kept the gag going too long. I couldn't suspend disbelief for the duration of the book. I did like the ending however. I'm not sure I would recommend it to any of my reading friends. It was chock full of allusions to literary criticism and academia, so I guess I would recommend it to people who enjoy novels about academia.

I think I will read Truth and Beauty now. I read the first chapter last week after I purchased the book, and I think I will go ahead and read it now. I don't usually read nonfiction, especially not biography, but this one is supposed to be excellent--it's the biography of a friendship between two writers, Ann Patchett & Lucy Grealey.

Okay. CSI is over so my summer Sunday night in April must come to an end now. :-(

Good night.

Headaches

I have had a sinus headache all week, so I was very proud of myself today when I didn't allow myself to get angry about this morning's TAKS mess. Our testing coordinator has been organizing tests for at least five years now. Still, each year, there is some kind of disorganization and/or confusion. Today, we had been told to pick up our test booklets & answer sheets between 7:45 & 8:00, but nothing was where it was supposed to be. Some people didn't get their materials until 8:20. We didn't receive certain necessary forms until testing time was almost over. In past years, just the thought of test days made me angry, abnormally angry. Today, though, I just accepted the problems and waited until they were worked out. I've been having such a bad year that I never would have expected myself to be so easygoing about this situation, but I was. I've been so stressed lately, too.

I have been feeling like I'm drowning lately, like something is pushing me underwater. I keep trying to tread water, but I get tired and start sinking. Today, I got to work and discovered that a co-worker had put some thing on my desk, some Shakespeare project that had been printed off the internet. My reaction was completely irrational. I was angry and wanted to scream. I just felt like those three pages were going to smother me. Of course, she meant well--we are preparing to move to a new building in the fall--she found the papers when she was sorting through her materials. I had a similar reaction a couple of weeks ago when I arrived at work to find that the English dept. chair had put some old student projects, related to British poetry, on my desk when she had been sorting the evening before. I have not begun to sort through my materials, but when I do, I promise not to even offer to add to anyone else's load.

This evening, we had the first selection meeting for our district's online literary magazine Cacophony. I was very excited to see all the students taking their job seriously, selecting photos, art, poetry, & prose to be published online in a couple of months. However, dealing with the teacher from the other high school was a headache in the making. When we were getting organized to create the ezine, she had been adamant about certain rules for submission, which she didn't enforce, but we did on our campus. We did get selections made though. On the way home from the meeting, which I left with a huge headache, Valerie & I made a list of issues that have to be resolved when we get back together in the fall. For now though, I can't wait to see our magazine online!

DB update -- She always gives me a headache. Two days ago, I pissed her off by telling her in front of two co-workers that she has low expectations for our students. And she does. She never has anything good to say about her students' abilities. She has made a point of not speaking to me for the past 2 days. Well, I am giving up my English 2 pre-AP classes for next year, and the department chair has assigned those classes to her. This afternoon, she came slinking into my room and said in her fakest sweet voice, "I'm going to be coming to you for help next year." Of course, I knew she had learned about her new assignment. Although neither the department chair or I really wanted her to have the pre-AP classes, I have decided that my sanity is more important than my spitefulness, which is not unwarranted in this case.

I guess I will take some more sinus medication and go to bed. Maybe I won't have a headache tomorrow, at least not as many.

Looking for a new job

This morning, I emailed my letter of interest and resume for the position of Academic Associate at my campus. As soon as I hit send, I began to come up with reasons why I didn't want the job, why I should stay in the classroom. Later, when I was irritated by stupid coaches who won't program their print jobs while someone else's jobs are printing, I had plenty of reasons why I should never return to Bport HS after this school year is over. At lunch a co-worker stopped me in the hallway and told me good luck & that she thought I would be good at that job because I already do some similar things since I teach Senior English. I don't know why, but her saying that made me feel less doubtful about the possibility of enjoying the job, if I get it. The job is not a sure thing. I know at least one other person is interested, but I don't know who it is.

My friend Clint-Michael suggested that I look into jobs at universities in the areas of student affairs/dean of students/multi-cultural affairs/alcohol & drug resource/residence life/ etc. I had never even thought about jobs like this. I'm not sure that I have an interest in all of these areas, but I did look at UH and UH Clear Lake tonight. There were a couple of possibilities at UH, but the only thing that interested me at UHCL was an assistant/associate librarian position, which I am not at all qualified for.

I keep coming back to the idea of being a librarian. (I've tried not to show it, but I am still so disappointed that I didn't get a chance to apply for that middle school librarian job. Disappointment seems to be my theme this school year.) I think I'm going to have to pursue a Master of Library Science, but I must finish my Masters of Literature first. Well, I say I must; I've been saying that I must for years now. Maybe it's time to let go of that idea. My friends keep encouraging me to not let it go, but maybe it's not the right thing for me anymore. I'm not sure I care enough about the topic anymore to finish it. Of course, I could just be making excuses so I don't have to do the work involved. I used to think I was just a bad procrastinator, but now I think I might just be lazy. Or afraid. Maybe fear is what has trapped me into staying a high school teacher for so long. I've already proven myself as a high school English teacher, and maybe I'm afraid I won't measure up as something else. Fear can be paralyzing--trite, but true.

Enough about my job woes. Last night, I didn't go to bed until 1:30a.m. I read the first chapter of Ann Patchett's Truth and Beauty, a biography of her friendship with another writer, Lucy Grealey. And I read the introduction and first essay in Camille Paglia's new book, Break! Blow! Burn!, her analysis of 43 great poems--the good thing about this book is I can read one of her essays here and there. AND I read a chapter of The Russian Debutante's Handbook, which I am over half finished with. I have to finish The Russian Debutante's Handbook by the end of this weekend. I can't wait to read the rest of Truth and Beauty and so many other books on my "To Read" stack--it is tall and getting taller. I really just want a new job with little or no homework so I can read for pleasure all the time and not feel guilty about it. Since I stayed up so late last night, I will go to bed early and read a bit of RDH only. Later.

Saturday Downtown

Yesterday was the kind of day that I live in this city for. It was beautiful here--cool in the morning and warm & windy in the afternoon, no clouds. I went with Valerie to see the matinee of Movin' Out, Twyla Tharp's modern ballet set to Billy Joel songs. We rode the train of course. We went early enough, so we had time to walk around Market Square and looked at all the wares for sale. We each bought an inexpensive little cloth purse that we had seen before and admired for their color and fabric. Then we walked over to the Hobby Center. I've never been to a show there, so I was looking forward to a new theater experience.

Our seats were on the first row of the center Gallery. I was worried about the need to lean over when/if the performers did much at the front of the stage (downstage, I think), but luckily they stayed back enough to prevent the need for leaning over. Movin' Out is not a musical; it is a modern ballet. A singer and a band were placed above the stage, which allows the audience to watch them at times instead of the stage. The singer and band were very good. As for the show itself, for about the first 5 numbers, I was thinking to myself that I had wasted my money on this show. Neither the choreography, the dancers, nor the story impressed me until about halfway through the first act. Once the lead male dancers went off to the Vietnam War, the story and the show picked up. I thought the the last 3 scenes were the best part of Act I--"We Didn't Start the Fire," "She's Got a Way," and "The Stranger" were the songs involved. I especially like the mourning ballet danced by Judy. Act II was so much better than Act I, but I didn't feel any real emotion for the story or the characters until the "Goodnight Saigon" number--I could feel the start of tears there. The emotion stayed high for me from this point until the end. It wasn't until some time in the second act that I became impressed with the dancing of anyone other than Judy. However, by the end of the show, the dancer who played Eddie had done some impressive dancing too. Overall, I enjoyed the show, especially the Billy Joel songs, which I have always liked.

After the show, we walked over to City Hall and looked at an outdoor art exhibit called Coexistence. You can see some of the pieces at this site http://www.coexistence.art.museum/eng/main.htm. I thought the exhibit was really cool and had a lot to say about the world today. Each piece is accompanied by a quote from a famous intellectual. I would have liked to have read all of the quotes, but it was quite warm in the April Houston sun yesterday. I did enjoy looking at all the pieces though, even the ones that I couldn't quite understand. I'm not sure how long the exhibit will be in Houston, but I may have to go back and look at them again.

From City Hall, we walked back up to Main St. and had a wonderful dinner at Bossa, specializing in Latin cuisine. Then we wanted to have a drink at our favorite Irish pub on Main St., but all the sidewalk tables were full. We wandered around, searching for some place else to sit, but we wanted to stay on Main so our options were limited. We settled for a table at the Irish pub on the other side of Main, but we didn't like sitting there so we left after only one drink. Even though we didn't stay downtown and people watch as long as we wanted, we still have a lovely afternoon and evening in downtown Houston.

Being downtown on a beautiful Saturday afternoon & evening, life really doesn't get much better.

A Good Ending to a Bad Day

At work, I spent all day depressed and brooding about my unhappiness. Whenever someone asked me how I was doing, I was doing so bad that I couldn't even say the requisite, "Fine." I was literally on the verge of tears all morning. One bright spot in the day: before school, a student overheard me telling another teacher about my unhappiness & dissatisfaction with work. When this student came to my class later in the day, she gave me the sweetest note, expressing her sympathy for my feelings and her appreciation of me as a teacher. It made me cry, but it also made me feel better.

Tonight, Valerie & I went to a reading by Johnathan Franzen, author of The Corrections. His was one of the best readings that I have ever experienced--so funny, satirical, and insightful. He read from a nonfiction piece that he is working on, something that hasn't even been seen by his editor (I think that's what he said). The piece was called "My Bird Problem." It was amazing how he merged his politics, his marriage, which has since ended, and his views on the environment to tell a very entertaining story. I really liked the reading, and I don't usually like nonfiction. I have The Corrections and will likely read it as soon as I finish The Russian Debutante's Handbook. This weekend or very soon after, I plan to purchase his book of essays, How to be Alone. After the reading, a local author Justin Cronin did an on-stage interview with Franzen, and Cronin read a part of one or two of the essays in the book, which made me want to read the essays too. (I will write later about some specific things that Franzen said about reading and writing.)

***A note for the future, it was announced tonight that John Irving will be the first author for next year's reading series. I can't wait to see him. (If you live in the Houston area and love literature, you should definitely go to some of the Inprint-Margarett Root Brown Reading Series.)

Between Franzen's reading and the announcement about Irving, my day has been redeemed somewhat. Of course, I still have grading hanging over my head, but for now, I will go to bed and read, something that almost always makes me feel better.

Not a good feeling

Today as I was grading papers, I became angry and depressed. I became so angry & depressed that I almost started crying and had to stop grading. I really do HATE my job. I just can't bear the thought of continuing in it. I would like to never go back, never set foot in the place again, starting tomorrow. I have to sign my contract for next year & turn it in by Friday, but I would love to be able to not sign it. However, I have no prospects so no choice but to sign.

I have been saying that I hate my job since last spring, and I'm not sure how seriously my friends and co-workers take me. I am serious though. Today, I had the idea that it would be better to be dead than have to continue in this job for one more minute. Of course, I am not going to kill myself, but I may commit professional suicide if I don't find a way out of teaching before next school year begins. I am seriously considering resigning from every committee that I am on & not teaching even the 2 tech workshops I am supposed to teach this summer. I am supposed to go to Nashville to a Model Schools Conference, and I will likely tell the principal by the end of the month to find someone else.

The problem with quitting teaching is that I really have nothing else to do. I really don't even know where to start looking for a different kind of job. The only other thing that I think I would like to do is be a librarian. Of course, I need a degree for that. I would love to be able to stop working & go back to school, but financially, I don't think that will ever be possible. So what kind of job can I get? All the jobs involving writing want people with experience & aren't likely to take a chance on a 41-year-old woman with no experience, no matter how good her skills might be. Even if I finish my thesis, I really don't think I will find any other opportunities besides teaching. I would like something with less stress, but I'm not naive. I know all jobs have stress of some kind. I just don't know where to even begin looking.

Valerie told me to just keep thinking that it's almost summer and that I could take off every now and then. The problem is that I'm beginning to truly not be able to even pretend at work anymore. Friday I was in the worst mood. I hated all my students & many of my co-workers. I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. I really feel like I'm going to curse someone out before the school year is over or do something equally as detrimental to my future.

I feel hopeless and sad. I feel forever trapped.

The Devil's Bitch

After writing this post, I will have to do something good to combat the bad karma that I'm creating here, but some things must be said.

The Devil's Bitch is nickname given to one of my co-workers by another co-worker, when we were watching The Crucible at the Alley Theatre a while back. I had this encounter with DB on Friday. Thursday during my 3rd period class, DB called my room and told me that there were some printer problems in the multi-media lab (as the instructional tech rep for our campus, I am the one most teachers call for these problems). I told her that I was busy at the moment but I would try to get to the lab later in the period. To be honest, I could have left my class & gone to assist her; however, I got busy with my students and completely forgot about her. Of course, if she wasn't the DB, maybe I would have gone immediately. Friday, I ran into her in the hall and tried to apologize for forgetting about her. She was really pissy about it, and I reminder her that I had a class when she called. She said something like, "Well, we ARE working on the RESEARCH PAPER" as if her curriculum is more important than whatever I might be teaching my students. I turned to walk away and said something like, "Well, I DO teach and I can't be expected to abandon my students for yours." I swear if she had said one more word to me at that moment, I probably would have been very ugly to her. She thinks she is the queen of teachers, but really she is just a selfish bitch. She has this idea that she is a great teacher because she gives "great lectures"--her words. The funniest thing is that when she tells of giving these great lectures, she usually includes the complaint that her students are sleeping while she gives them. She's so egotistical that she doesn't understand that if she can't hold your audiences attention, then her lectures can't be all that great. She is the DB. She gives teachers a bad name and that makes me sick.

Idea for a new job

I've been thinking of what I can do instead of teaching, which I have grown to hate--sad, but true. I think complete burnout is the cause of my hatred, but, whatever the cause, I can't ignore the hatred anymore. Not that I've been ignoring it--all my friends at work know I have come to abhor teaching--my whining has been loud and long this year, but I have to do something real about it. For the past few days, I have been thinking that I would like to go to work for some kind of humanitarian organization. Due to my deplorable financial situation, I cannot volunteer for any organization, but I could work for one for pay. I'm sure most don't pay well, but I think I might find this kind of work fulfilling anyway. As we all know, teaching doesn't really pay well either. I found a site calle d Idealist.org, that I'm going to use to search for jobs. Who knows, maybe I will find something that I can afford to do. I'll keep you posted on the results.

The Pope

Pope John Paul II passed away today, a very sad moment for his followers. Of course, he had lived a very long life & deserved a respite from the suffering he has experienced the last few years. I am completely torn by how I feel about him. I agreed with his stance on the war in Iraq and on the death penalty, but as a liberal and a woman, I am in complete disagreement with him in his stance on women priests, abortion, birth control, etc.

As I was watching the coverage on tv this afternoon & tonight, I remembered being home sick from school on the day he was shot. Also, I remembered eagerly following the news when Lech Walesa was leading the Solidarity movement in Poland. As a teenager, I was fascinated by the courage of the workers in standing up against the power of their Communist gov't. I wondered if I could ever have the courage to do what those people were doing, standing up for my rights/beliefs. I remember how the pope spoke out in support of the workers and against communism.

I am completely fascinated by the rituals involved in burying this pope and electing, or selecting, a new one. I do remember when John Paul II was elected. Although my family was not Catholic, we did pay attention to the news and watched the reports, waiting for the white smoke to appear. Actually, I'm fascinated by all the rituals of the Catholic Church. When my mom passed away, I wanted some kind of ritual, like lighting candles or last rites. I couldn't understand why, after all I am not Catholic and have never had any desire to be. Perhaps I thought rituals would have kept my mind occupied, & I wouldn't have to think about the loss of my mom.

I know I will be watching the news a lot in the next several weeks.

Reds

Before turning the tv off tonight, I looked at the Guide to see if anything interesting was on, not intending to stay up and watch it, just being curious. Unfortunately, I noticed that Reds was just starting on one of the movie channels. I LOVE this 3+ hours movie. It's about Jack Ryan, the only American buried in the Kremlin. He was an American Socialist & activist who gets caught up in the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution. Warren Beatty won Best Director for this movie, which he stars in and co-wrote. It's a very literate, intellectual, and romantic movie. I can remember going to see this movie with my then best friend Barbara (in 1981--we were only 17, damn! that was too long ago). We both loved movies, especially the classics, and this movie reminded us of those movies. Diane Keaton plays the feminist writer Louise Bryant who falls for Jack Ryan. Too bad it's so late, I can't possibly stay up until 2:00a.m. to see this through to the end. Oh well, it's on a movie channel so maybe I'll catch it at a more convenient time this weekend. I may have to stay up at least until I hear Jack and Louise say their goodbye line (my mind has gone blank on the content of this line), which becomes a refrain in the movie. If you've never seen this movie, you should check it out sometime.

Post-rejection (Ireland) pondering

This whole school year, I have been saying that I must not teach again next year. Since Christmas break, I have known and said that if I have to teach again that I will not survive, and I believe this to be true. I want to do something completely different. A few months ago, I looked online at jobs for people with degrees in English, and the result was depressing. Without any experience, I am basically not qualified for anything other than teaching. I'm so jealous of my friend Penny who seems to be headed toward living her dream. She is going to grad school with full tuition and a stipend. I'm so jealous of her--well, not when she talks about the chaos of trying to ready her house for sale. ;-)

Possibilities
1. Middle school library job - I've worked with the person who is over the librarians in my district, and she said she would recommend for a job that is supposed to be available for next school year. Of course, if someone who is already certified applies, I will likely not even be considered. Also, the librarian at my campus said the principal at the middle school is hard to work with, but she assured me that I could handle him. I'm not so sure about that, but I think I would be willing to take that chance.

2. Academic Associate at my campus - This is an administrative position with various responsibilities relating to scholarships, testing, etc. I know I could do this job and do it well. I have been thinking since the weekend that I might need to leave the campus, not just the classroom.

3. ?????? - I guess there is always the chance that some other position will come up in the next couple of months, but I'm not very hopeful about it. I just know that I can not teach next year.

Nice ending to an up & down long weekend

Today was a holiday from work--yea!!! It was beautiful, too. I spent the morning in a local cafe grading papers with my friend Valerie, then we started to go to an afternoon movie, but she wanted to apartment hunt. So I graded some more papers, then we went to an evening movie. We saw Off the Map, a well-acted and beautifully filmed movie set outside Taos, NM. The movie is poignant without being sappy, truly a lovely film--much to laugh at too. It's weird because eventhough I did have to do some work, and still didn't do enough, I had a nice, relaxing end to this weekend. I needed it to end that way.

I found out Saturday afternoon that my application to study in Ireland this summer was rejected. I was actually devastated, perhaps even more devastated because until the moment I read the rejection letter I had been having a really great holiday weekend. I had just come from perhaps the best session yet for the essay workshop I'm taking. After reading the letter, I spent the remainder of Saturday in tears and sleeping away my sadness. Sunday morning I was angry at God, myself, the world, everyone & everything, but by Sunday afternoon I had recovered enough to consider what I will do this summer instead.

I'm still not sure what that will be but I think it will include taking a literature course and working on my master's thesis. I have procrastinated on the thesis long enough. I have to make enough progress on it so that I can defend it in the fall. I truly believe that if I have to teach another year that I will not survive it, professionally or emotionally. With my thesis completed, I will have more options. I think I want to become a librarian and/or work on a Ph.D, both of which require a masters' degree. Whatever I decide to do, I have to act on my decision soon so that I don't procrastinate and find that it's too late to act on it. I tend to do that more often that I like to admit.

Now, I have to get ready for work tomorrow, which I so don't want to go to--a refrain I've been singing all year. :-( (I said that to Valerie earlier today when she said she didn't want to go to work tomorrow. I liked it then and I like it now. ;-) Later.

Free Friday

Things I should have a done today instead of just reading & watching tv: clean my apartment, read and critique essays for tomorrow's essay workshop session, write critiques for 2 essays discussed a couple of weeks ago, read the assigned professional essay for tomorrow, do laundry, grade some papers, plan the rest of the semester for all 3 courses that I teach. I did, at least, go to the grocery store, so I didn't stay holed up in my apartment all day (I also went to have coffee & quiche this morning, spending money I shouldn't have spent). But I don't feel bad about wasting the day completely. It's not something I get to do very often. I really must print out & read tomorrow's workshop submissions. I don't want to have to get up extra early to do that in the morning. The workshop only has 2 more meetings after tomorrow. In the fall I was very sad to see the poetry workshop end, but I won't be sad to see this essay workshop end. I haven't enjoyed it as much as I had hoped I would. The other participants are okay, but the facilitator is usually doesn't seem prepared for class. He still hasn't given me a critique for my first essay, which I know he didn't like, but I still want his critique. He's had to leave and go make copies before & this week he had to mail us our reading. I would still take another workshop, but I woudn't take another one with him. And I plan to be extremely honest on his evaluation form, not mean, just honest.

Enough about that, while I was wasting time today, I watched several of those redecorating reality shows. They made me want to fix up my apartment. I've lived here for almost a year, and other than getting a new couch--a cool, burnt orange couch--I haven't done any of the designing things I thought I would do. I need something else to put my tv on--on one show today, a dresser was used, which I thought was a cool idea. I also need at least one more bookcase, and I should really replace my mismatched bedroom furniture, adding bedside tables too. My car will be paid for on Thursday--YEA!!!--and, unfortunately, I need some car repairs now. However, once those are done and I set up a payment plan with the IRS, maybe I can budget my way into some new/used furniture. There are so many antique stores in this area that I should really check them out before I buy new stuff. Alas, all of this will have to wait awhile though so I will not bore readers (like I have readers) or myself with my apartment makeover dreams.

I really should hook up my printer and take care of my workshop readings & critiques now. I can't find anything fun to watch on tv now anyway. Later.

In Limbo

I hate waiting, especially when I'm waiting to see if I've been selected for something. I applied for a National Endowment for the Humanities summer seminar grant. Applications had to be postmarked by March 1 and the winners will be notified by April 1. I realize that April 1 is still 10 days away, but my feelings of anxiety are increasing. I check my work email obsessively when I'm at home. When I'm at work, I get preposterously anxious everytime I see "You've got new email" on my screen. I keep telling myself not to be discouraged, but I am. I guess I had some kind of romantic idea that the seminar director would read my application essay and my 2 recommendations and immediately decide that I was in. He would be so excited that he would notify me immediately. Of course, as an adult, I know this is how things work. So I will spend the next 10 days losing hope minute by minute. I will try to think positively, but I won't do it. I will talk positively to others, put on a brave face, but inside, I will be thinking about how my essay could have and should have been better. I will be thinking about how I'm never going to get anywhere until I finish my master's thesis, which I am beginning to believe will be never. So I will be STUCK teaching forever. I will get more and more depressed, and I will beging planning for my public reaction to not getting the grant. I know my private reaction will include lots of tears and self-talks of how inadequate I am, how I could have and should have done better. But now, I must continue to wait. Actually now, I must get ready for the job I hate. Being in limbo sucks!!! Win or lose, I want to know NOW!

Something Delicious

Damn! I had a good post going, but I did something to make the browser go back and lost it all. I need to go to bed now, so I will have to write about the something delicious anther time. Damn, damn, damn.

A Whiny End to Spring Break

I am having a horrible end to this Spring Break. I’m staying with my dad while my sister Susy, his caretaker, & her 2 children are visiting Susy’s best friend & her family. I wanted to help Susy and give here a break from Dad, but I should have feigned illness or something. Too bad my work trip didn’t last the whole week.

<>My dad is disgusting. Last night, he shit on the floor in the bathroom then tracked it down the hall to his bedroom. He never hits the toilet with his urine anymore. He should be in a nursing home NOW! Not 9-12 months from now, which is when a new nursing home will be open down the street. While I was cleaning it up, I had all these horrible thoughts about him. I realized that I can not love the man he has become. I think I hate him now. That’s a horrible thought, I know. I still love the man he was when I was growing up, but he’s no longer that man--no longer a man of life. I wish that I was more selfish and didn’t appreciate Susy’s sacrifice so much, then I could call her and tell her that I have to leave and she will have to cut her vacation short. I’ve even thought about trying to convince my other sister Kelly & her husband to stay Saturday night, so I could go home tomorrow night. I just can not stand for Dad to be in the same room with me, and I certainly don’t want him to touch me or me to touch him. This morning, he fell, and Kelly & I had to help him up. Just the thought of touching him made me gag. <>

Damn. There he goes into the bathroom again. He absolutely makes me sick. He will come out with his pants wet, and leave the most nauseating smell you can imagine. I don’t see how Susy and her kids live with him everyday. I just want to run out of here and never come back. As a matter of fact, I hope Susy has a great time this weekend, because I will never do this again. I just can not stand it. <>

Well, I guess that’s enough whining and self pitying for now. Maybe I will go to bed early and read some Shirley Hazzard’s The Great Fire.

Day 1 of Spring Break

Breathing Space
I woke up in a pensive mood this morning, feeling a need to write, but I'm on a research trip to look at some schools in San Antonio and Austin that have AVID programs and do teaming. No time to write some of the things floating around my brain this morning, and tonight I'm feeling pretty brainless. The day was actually very informative, and I'm not completely disappointed about having agreed to spend 2 days of Spring Break on this trip. My co-workers have actually been good travel buddies, which kind of surprised me. Except for one person, these co-workers are not people that I would call "work friends," and I was a bit worried about having to spend so much time together. So far, so good. I am glad though that I didn't agree to share a room with the two other ladies in the group. We have stayed in a suites hotel both nights, so there would have been plenty of sleeping space, but bathroom time and space would've been a problem. I figured that I live alone so I could stay in a hotel alone, and I'm so glad I did.

About literature -- On the way to San Antonio yesterday, I read quite a bit of What Was She Thinking? [Notes on a Scandal]. I finally got to the part where the teacher has sex with the 15 or 16 year old student. While the situation may not be funny, the narrator's take on this situation is often times hilarious. I am really enjoying the black humor of this novel, but the descriptions of the 40+ year old teacher sneaking around to have sex with a 15 or 16 year old boy are kind of creepy. I teach high school, & I can't imagine ever wanting to sneak around and have sex with any of my students. YUCK!!

In the beginning

I plan to use this blog as a place to talk about literature, art, politics, work, and anything else I can think of. I want to write very interesting things that people will want to comment on, but I refuse to be disappointed if that doesn't happen.

About literature - I just started reading What Was She Thinking? [Notes on a Scandal]. It's about a teacher who is writing about a co-worker & friend who has an affair with a student. So far, the book is very funny and right on in describing teaching situations. At one point a teacher describes a new teacher's unruly and undisciplined class: "It was Lord of the Flies in there." I laughed when I read this. I immediately thought of the class that goes on across the hall from me. The teacher is just out of college, and she started at midyear. I am just waiting to hear screams of "Help!" from there. I just know it will happen before the year is over. I really don't see how any learning goes on in there at all.

Well, I guess that's enough to begin.